Put a bow on that ballot box
By Beth Teitell
Wednesday, July 21, 2004
So, John Kerry's amassing a legal arsenal that will be cocked and ready to fight any voting irregularities come November, and recent reports/studies/rumors I may have heard while getting a pedicure indicate that the voting thingies are almost as bad as they were four years ago, which means no one has much confidence in the electoral process.
Contrast that with this recent development: Yet another new iPod hit the market this week.
Which got me thinking: Why not privatize the whole voting operation and put iPod technology in the booths?
No offense to the government - OK, some offense - but why can Apple come out with - what? weekly? monthly? - upgrades, and four years later the feds are still trying to get it right.
In fact, while we've got the Apple whizzes on the case, let's get rid of those government-issue dingy curtains and rickety booths for good, and install special, slick new vPods.
``I want to vote in a lime green one,'' a voter told me, taking out her earphones for a brief moment. ``I think it would go well with my hair.''
As long as we're making techie improvements, let's glam up the whole process. Maybe that will get Americans to tune in and vote for someone other than the next American Idol.
(Although as a member of a focus group I assembled said, ``American Idol'' is more ``relevant'' than the presidential race. ``You're not going to hear George W. Bush piped into the grocery store, but you are going to hear Clay Aiken.'')
With public sentiment like that, let's just admit those calls from the party faithful aren't doing it, incentive-wise, and figure out how we can really boost turnout.
I know I'd definitely show up if a gift bag were in the picture. (Sorry, but those patriotic red, white and blue ``I voted'' stickers don't do it for me.)
I want the Dooney & Bourke mini tassle tote they gave out at the Oscars recently, filled with a Tom Ford accessory (his last before leaving Gucci), a jar of Creme de la Mer (not travel size) and a gift certificate for a blowout.
But democracy is about choice, so here are some other options: If you don't want the goodie bag, how about a scratch ticket, a pack of cigarettes (for voters over 18 only) or a Krispy Kreme?
The elderly volunteers manning the oversized address books would be fighting off the voters.
Not that we'd need it if we had the gift-with-purchase, but here's another iPod-inspired improvement: selectivity.
You know how mini iPods are all the more desirable because there's a waiting list? What if you could apply to vote in the fancy ward of your choice?
Imagine getting the letter from the Wellesley town clerk - sent to your home in Somerville - alerting you that your turn to vote with the beautiful people had arrived? And don't forget to dress for your free commemorative photo!
I know what you may be thinking. These ideas sound great, but who's going to pay for them? We are, but we won't notice it. Instead of checking off the box on your income taxes to donate a dollar to the campaign, direct your donation to the voting perk of your choice.
True, this will reduce money available to the candidates, but in the end it won't matter who's running. As long as there are freebies at the election sites, we're all winners.
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