It's funny how those `mistakes' can add up
by Beth Teitell

Tuesday, August 28, 2001

What kind of ``mistakes,'' exactly, was U.S. Rep. Gary Condit talking about? That's what I want to know.

``I've been married for 34 years, and, uh, I've not been a perfect man,'' the congressman told Connie Chung on ABC Thursday night. ``I've made my share of mistakes.''

Did he forget to carry the one? That can be bad. I did that when I was trying to balance my checkbook last month, and it threw things waaaay off. ``I've not been a perfect wife,'' I told my husband, as he tried to figure out how much money was actually in our account, and I waited for Connie's people to call.

``How do you think I should wear my hair on `Primetime'?'' I asked as he hunched over the calculator.

Or maybe the congressman put a red shirt in with the whites when he was doing the laundry. That's a big mistake. I mixed loads soon after my son was born, and half of his onesies turned pink.

``She's so cute,'' strangers would say peeking into the stroller. ``What's her name?'' ``Rocky,'' I'd reply, adding, ``I've not been a perfect mother.''

Or maybe Condit was driving home from work one day, and got so distracted by an excellent song on the radio, and missed his exit off the Beltway. I learned what a mistake getting lost can be over the weekend. I was so busy crooning ``Margaritaville'' on my way to the beach that I spaced on the turnoff for 128 North. It was miles before I could turn around, and by the time I got to the shore, all the waterfront spots were taken.

Condit has taken heat for, among other things, trivializing his alleged extramarital relationships by dismissing them as ``mistakes'' (or perhaps that should be ``alleged mistakes'').

But after studying the growing body of Condit literature, I realize that part of the congressman's problem might be a simple matter of confusion over the exact meaning of the word ``mistake.''

He certainly isn't the first politician to be flummoxed by a word. Heck, public servants have so much on their minds that even someone as smart as President Bill Clinton was tripped up by the word ``is.''

Or perhaps Condit, who's now home in Modesto, Calif., left his dictionary at his office, all the way across the country in Washington, D.C. He'd like to look up the word, but he can't.

In my dictionary, a ``mistake'' is defined as ``An error or fault.'' Look up ``error,'' and you get ``An act, assertion, or belief that unintentionally deviates from what is correct, right or true.''

There's the crux of Condit's ``mistake'' mistake right there - the ``unintentionally'' part. Congressman, I know you think the press is out to get you, so in the spirit of healing, let me offer you an instructional quiz: For each question, answer ``mistake'' or ``bad lifestyle choice'':

1) I had an affair with a young woman for a period of months, and before that I slept with a stewardess. (Answer: Not that I did, but if I did, it was a BLC.)

2) I went on TV to defend my alleged mistakes. (Answer: Mistake.)

3) Before appearing on TV to defend my alleged mistakes, I used Sam Donaldson's hairdresser. (Answer: Mistake and BLC.)

Sorry congressman, but that's all I have time to write. Connie and her crew are here, and I've got to figure out how I'm going to explain away my checkbook and that business with the one I didn't carry. ``We were just good friends,'' perhaps?