Date raters could help gals avoid Mr. Wrong
by Beth Teitell

Tuesday, August 21, 2001

You know what bugs me? Scientists spend time forecasting all kinds of things - killer hurricanes, economic downturns, when the flu is going to hit - but never what really matters to people.

Like which relative - or relative-in-law - is going to go rogue on you, going to turn into a Roger Clinton or a Jenna Bush.

Think of all the trouble Jane Swift could have avoided if she knew that someday her intended's son - one Brian Hunt - would rat her out to the press, threatening to topple her career in a frenzy of bitterness.

That's the kinda thing can make a girl (even a non-politician), think twice about saying ``yes'' to a marriage proposal.

If detectives can program a computer to tell them how Whitey Bulger would look as an older man with facial hair, why can't that same power be used to predict what a lover could expect from family members of a prospective spouse?

Using the ``Should I Marry This Guy or Not?'' software, Jane could have input various data points - her plans to run for statewide office and beliefs on gay marriage, Brian's bitterness over Dad's stingy child-support payments - and voila! a blow-up warning could have been issued.

Actually, the family-member feature of the software would only need to be employed if the prospective spouse himself had been checked out and found to have an excellent ``reliablity'' or ``frequency of repair'' rating.

But where would a gal get her hands on such info? You can get the track record of a doctor or an SUV, but learning about a fiance is tricky. The people with the 411 you really need - the exes - can be hard to find.

You should be able to call a toll-free number:

``If you'd like to hear about So-and-So's relationship with his mother, press 1. For information on how he deals with stress, press 2. To learn more about his credit card debt and spending habits, press 3.

``If you need further assistance, please stay on the line, and an ex-wife will be with you shortly.''

Despite the dot-com bust, I think there's a market here for a Web site, too. Using Amazon.com style reviews, What'sMyFianceReallyLike.com could have blurbs from those who'd been involved with your guy.

``I liked this guy's cover, and the story started out strong, but after a while I got bored'' - A.C. Denver.

``Don't waste your time'' - R.K.L. Worcester

The site could also recommend other men: Women who dated Tim also liked Richard of Allston, Jeff of Boston and Stuart of Dover.

With all the cable stations out there, why isn't there an eligible bachelor channel with Pop-Up Video commentary? ``John'' would be shown in the video he had submitted to a dating club, bragging about his six-pack stomach, while ex-lovers appear on the screen in little bubbles making snarky remarks:

``Sure, his stomach is flat, but after a few months of watching him look in the mirror - and make insulting remarks about your gut - believe me you won't care. Or you will. You'll wish he had a beer belly.''

Or, ``Yeah, `Chuck' says he wants to stay home and raise the beautiful children you'll have together, but watch out. In the end, he'll refuse to relocate for your job, and his son makes Billy Carter and Hugh Rodham look like saints.''