Population boom means SRO for life as we know it
by Beth Teitell

Thursday, August 2, 2001

You think scoring a Madonna ticket is hard now? Just wait. A new study predicts the world's population will grow from 6 billion to 9 billion in the next 70 years.

Talk about a Drowned World. Nine billion people? Do you know what it's going to be like trying to get a seat on the Green Line, or a hair appointment, or a reservation for your car on the ferry to Nantucket?

And forget about ever hitting your number again, finding a Play Station 2 at Christmas, or getting your kid into Buckingham Brown & Nichols' pre-school.

The study, which was published in the latest issue of the journal Nature, projects that most of the growth will happen in developing countries, but you can never be too sure. Look at the West Nile virus: it made it from Africa to J.P. with no trouble at all.

Before you grab your cooler and start camping out at the Esplanade for the July 4, 2002 fireworks, I should say that the study was greeted with skepticism in many quarters, with some researchers arguing the predictions are misleading because of unforeseeable changes in everything from air quality to food supply.

I'm no scientist, but I sure see what the skeptics mean about an inadequate food supply. It's going to be impossible to get a table at Radius on a Saturday night, or potato garlic bread at the Clear Flour Bakery if you go after 4 p.m.

I don't even want to think about the lines at the Mr. Frosty truck. CVS will have to design some kind of Fast Pass that you wear on your forehead, or create new special lines: the teenage acne line, the diaper line, the denture adhesive line.

That last one is going to be pretty long, at least according to the study, which was released by the International Institute for Applied Systems in Laxenburg, Austria.

The authors predict the number of people age 60 or older will more than quadruple by 2100, from the current 10 percent of the population, to about 22 percent by 2050, and 34 percent in the next 100 years.

Imagine being behind 33 million elderly people writing checks at Shaw's, or driving down to the Cape? The traffic at the Sagamore Rotary is going to be unbearable.

But I don't want to make fun of old folks, particularly since by the year 2100 I'm going to be a Geezer Gap shopper myself. But I will say that the flights to Miami and Phoenix are going to be packed, and everyone's going to need to pre-board.

And with an extra 3 billion people around, getting an upgrade is going to be impossible. I don't even want to think about trying to use my frequent flier miles.

On the positive side, I guess, if you are able-bodied, there won't be much competition for the emergency-exit row.

And to be honest, there are other benefits, too. TV might improve, if some of the additional earthlings turn out to be great sitcom writers.

And maybe those who can't write could work in customer support at World Com Wireless. Maybe one of them could answer the phone, now and then.