My books aren't cooked, they're just well-done

by Beth Teitell
Thursday, July 18, 2002

Enron, Global Crossing, Adelphia Communications, WorldCom . . . me?

I was getting all worked up about corporate wrongdoers the other day, yelling, ``You tell 'em, Prez!'' at the TV when President Bush went to Wall Street and talked tough, but then one of my shareholders (also known as my husband) pointed out I was guilty of a little earnings manipulation myself.

I immediately issued a statement through my spokeswoman blaming my accountant, but then on the advice of my publicist (my mother), I changed tactics and pointed out what others may see as ``accounting gimmickry'' and ``book cooking'' are simply methods that are completely in line with the Generally Accepted Shopping Principles, as practiced by all of my friends.

For example: Let's say I'm at TJ Maxx and I see a Tahari suit that was originally $425 but has been marked down to $200, and I decide to acquire it. In line with GASP, the transaction is recorded not as a $200 loss but as a $225 profit, and that cash is available for me to invest in other opportunities, such as a facial or a massage.

Or, perhaps Macy's is running a promotion that gives shoppers a $25 coupon for each $100 spent at the store. Thus, $400 invested in a Calvin Klein bedspread will result in net earnings of $100, which can be pumped back into the ``company'' in the name of diversifying interests and spreading risk.

Which is to say that, after years of using a backpack from EMS as my purse, I realize it would be wise to upgrade my inventory, and I make a $645 bid to take over a suede Gucci hobo bag.

While the merger initially seems like a good fit, back at the office it emerges the cultures don't mesh (the bag doesn't hold all my stuff) and I sell it back to the store, netting me $645, which goes on the ``earnings'' side of the ledger.

Securities and Exchange Commission investigators without a grasp of GASP have misunderstood this maneuver as an inflation of cash flow but, as I'll happily testify in front of Congress, that's not the case.

In fact, that is real money I used to take advantage of another business opportunity: namely, a $25 manicure-pedicure package, which, if bought individually, would have cost me $35 - $25 for the pedicure alone, and $10 for the manicure.

``What are you going to do with your $10 profit?'' a friend asked as we had our nails done together.

After consulting with my board of directors (also known as Jenny, Robin and Sue), I decided to put my $10 windfall toward a business dinner with the aforementioned directors, which in turn led to a tidy profit when the three of them paid their share of the bill ($50 each) in cash, and I put the whole meal on my Visa, thereby earning not only $150, but 200 miles as well. And, as the credit card bill won't be due until the next quarter, I'll record the whole meal as a $150 profit now, and then write off the $200 bill when it arrives as a capital, not operating, expense.

Meanwhile, I'm pursuing another money-making venture, a free gift with the purchase of $50 worth of cosmetics. Analysts have valued the gift at $75, so, as you can see, dear shareholder, honor, that's a $25 profit.

Nervy? Sure, but hey, they don't call it GASP for nothing.