`Good friends' can mean so much more
by Beth Teitell

Thursday, July 12, 2001

When someone says, ``We're good friends,'' you can be sure of one thing: The alleged friends are lovers, ex-lovers or bitter enemies. Friendship, as it's traditionally defined, is not in the equation.

The expression - deployed most recently by U.S. Rep. Gary Condit (D-Calif.) to characterize his relationship with a young intern - is like a comb-over. The combee thinks he's got everyone's fooled, but no one is.

When Hollywood stars split, they're always `good friends'' afterward. Meg Ryan and Dennis Quaid, J. Lo and Puffy Combs. If they're such good friends, why aren't they still together?

``Good friends'' is a breath mint, or sunglasses on a rainy day, or a sarong worn over a bathing suit. It draws attention to the very thing it's trying to conceal.

Condit, as we all know now, voted to open impeachment hearings against Bill Clinton, but at least the former president didn't say, ``I was just good friends with That Woman, Miss Lewinsky.''

Washington, D.C. police have said repeatedly that Condit is not a suspect in Chandra Levy's disappearance, although the New York Post recently reported that Condit admitted to police the two were having an affair. Publicly he's still claiming to be ``good friends.''

OK, let's take him at his word.

What did the close pals - the middle-aged lawmaker and the young intern - talk about, I wonder? And how did they get to be such good friends, and so quickly, too? I don't know about you, but it takes me a while to make a truly good friend. And when I do, I don't have to call her a ``good friend.''

The ``good'' part is understood. That's the nature of friendship.

``I really don't think that men and women are good friends,'' a friend of mine said (she's a good friend, but see how I didn't have to say it). `` `Good friends' suggests some sort of real connection, and with someone of the opposite sex, it's usually not platonic.''

The strange thing about ``good friends'' is that it cuts both ways. It minimizes, but it maximizes, too, or at least pretends to.

``Good friends'' is what your junior high boyfriend says he wants to be when he breaks up with you. ``We can still be really good friends,'' he offers, as his actual friends (guys, of course) walk by smirking. You two will never talk again.

These days, the euphemism starts earlier than ever. Consider the story I heard yesterday. The mother of a 9-year-old girl told me that a boy at camp has a crush on her daughter. ``Do you like him?'' the mom asked.

`No,'' the girl replied. `We're just good friends.''