Hub engages in potty politics with troubled latrine
by Beth Teitell

Thursday, July 5, 2001

This has not been a good week for Boston. On Sunday, our pride and joy, a new $250,000 toilet, was attacked. A bodyguard had to be hired to protect the poor latrine, which already suffers enough, living, as it does, with a City Hall view.

I don't know what kind of monster vandalizes a helpless coin-operated toilet, but if they ever catch the guy, he better watch out. Criminals like that get no respect in prison.

As if the smashed glass weren't enough, yesterday, the day it was supposed to show thousands of tourists that we are TOO a world-class city, a leak was discovered, and a piece of tape was slapped over the coin slot, its beautiful flush silenced.

But, fame being what it is, the toilet was able to get a plumber to come on July Fourth - let my toilet try that, or yours - and by midday, word on the street was that it would soon be up and working.

One can only wonder what's next for Tom Menino's pet project. An embarrassing revelation about resume inflation? The Boston Herald has learned The Toilet did not work as a Port-a-Potty at Woodstock, and, contrary to its claim of European descent, was actually born and raised in South Dakota.

As toilet watchers might recall, the idea for the toilets - plans call for eight to be installed on city streets - was born when Menino saw them in California.

But that was the West Coast. We're different in Boston. Even before this week's events, the toilets have been trouble, what with the charges that favoritism was shown to the politically connected firm chosen to build and maintain them, and design problems with the grab bar used by handicapped patrons.

Menino rode out the favoritism charges, and the toilet design was modified, but the mayor better be careful. This is just the kind of thing that can topple an elected official.

If Peggy Davis-Mullen were smart, she'd ditch the public schools issue and unveil a ``Flush the Mayor'' campaign, giving away T-shirts that read: ``My mayor went to San Francisco and all I got was this lousy toilet.''

I've been to San Francisco, and to tell the truth, there are things I'd rather he imported, like Ghirardelli chocolate, or the San Francisco treat, Rice-A-Roni.

But what do I know? Menino, it turns out, has been hearing from people who've told him Boston's lack of public facilities is holding it back from being a global, first-rate city. Do people really make toilet-based travel plans? And if so, should they be listened to?

But even if the toilets are good - or great, the best bathroom experience anyone has ever had - there will be only eight of them. That can't be enough, especially if we become the world-class city the toilets will enable us to be.

Why not open the bathrooms in public buildings to outsiders? We could have a Potty Trail to rival the Freedom Trail, with toilet paper rolled out instead of red paint.

Meanwhile, I hate to point this out at this late date, but there is something troubling about the toilets. In response to complaints, the time allotted each guest was upped to 25 minutes from 20.

Twenty-five minutes sounds like a lot, but I'm not sure, especially when the stakes are so high. When your time is up, the doors pop open and you're staring down Congress Street.

And Congress Street is staring you down.

Personally, I'd rather take my chances sneaking into the Four Seasons' bathroom.