Vice president makes the rest of us look bad by looking good
by Beth Teitell

Tuesday, July 3, 2001

OK, Cheney, you've made your point. You can stop making the rest of us look bad now. We get it. You're a hard worker.

Say what you will about the man's politics, but give him this: He has a cardioverter defibrillator implanted in his chest on Saturday, and not only does he show up for work Monday, but he arrives at 7:45 a.m., gets right down to business and reports feeling ``great.''

What kind of example is he setting? How am I supposed to call in sick with a scratchy throat or an ``I'm not sure what's wrong, I just feel kind of achey,'' when the vice president goes in with a heart that's about to blow?

And did you notice how he scheduled the procedure for a Saturday, so he wouldn't miss any time on the job?

Every employee knows that elective operations are done on a Wednesday, the better to suck up an entire week:

Monday's spent discussing the upcoming procedure with colleagues and hearing about operations they've had. Tuesday's devoted to preparing to leave early, making personal phone calls, etc. Wednesday, of course, you're in the hospital, and Thursday and Friday are whiled away at home, in bed, watching TV and enjoying the flowers your colleagues sent.

You do go into the office on Monday, but late - 11-ish - and you leave early ``just to be safe.''

Cheney, in contrast, joined President Bush for national security and economic briefings Monday, conducted radio interviews, met with staff. He didn't go to Capitol Hill to see lawmakers, as he usually does, but that's because they were on vacation.

Dick's like the co-worker who never files an expense report, or if he does, it's for subway fare and a sandwich from Au Bon Pain only. ``A cab, Smithers? Lunch at the Palm? Cheney here walked to the convention, and grabbed a bite to eat between sessions.''

What I want to know is this: What's the man's game?

At first I thought he was hoarding sick days, so he could cash them in at the end, but Cheney's spokeswoman, Juleanna Glover Weiss, told me she didn't think the number of sick days a vice president gets is ``stipulated.''

Let me get this straight? The vice president gets as many as he wants, and he's still not using them? That's sick!

The only logical conclusion is that Cheney is a tool of big business, part of Republican plan to eliminate sick time and then health insurance itself.

How long until we hear about a thousand points of wellness, or faith-based healing?

How long until Cheney, on his way to the hospital for another totally ``routine'' procedure, announces that he's dropping his health insurance, and calls on his fellow Americans to do the same?

Are we certain Cheney's even having heart problems? Did you see him leaving George Washington University Hospital? He feigned a sore shoulder, but he sure looked good - tan, relaxed, waving.

How do we know he didn't sneak in through the back of the hospital and then make his big exit for the cameras?

To be fair, Cheney's not the only public servant who's not doing his or her public any good. Last week, less than two months after giving birth to twins, Jane Swift returned to the State House and unveiled a plan to spend the state's $450 million budget surplus. On Saturday, she engaged in a marathon bargaining session with union officials.

Jane, listen, new mothers don't have it that easy. We need whatever break we can get. Please don't blow the post-partum thing for us.

I never thought I'd say this, but thank goodness for that goodtime Charley over there in the White House. George W. Bush, with his midday workouts and early bedtime, is the true public servant. Now there's a mensch we can all emulate.