Parties go extra mile to woo away senators
by Beth Teitell

Tuesday, June 5, 2001

No matter how you vote, I think we can all agree on one thing: The Democrats pitch better woo.

True, they haven't snagged John McCain yet, but that's only because he's a wily negotiator. Why switch teams for a mere committee chairmanship, or a bigger staff, or whatever political goodie Senate Democratic leader Tom Daschle dangled during the pair's weekend getaway?

If it were me, I'd wait for something truly valuable - like frequent flier miles. I won't jump from AT&T to MCI without 5,000 miles to sweeten the pot, and long-distance carrier affiliation doesn't even affect whose dinner parties you attend.

So President Bush, if you're reading this, you gotta figure McCain, with all his will power, is holding out for 25,000 miles, minimum. Why not offer him 80,000 - enough to go to Europe, business elite? And tell him if he sticks with the GOP he can have the kind of miles that don't expire and are good on any airline. And promise that he'll get them all at once, up front. None of this doling out month-by-month (like MCI does) to ensure he stays put.

Or perhaps McCain doesn't need the miles. Maybe he earned a lifetime supply zipping around the country running for president. Maybe the good senator would appreciate a personalized Cross pen, or a clock-calculator, the kind credit card companies are always giving away.

Or an electric blanket. Years ago, my dad's cousin Beverly left her lifelong bank and opened a new account across the street when she heard they were giving away electric blankets. I know she was very happy with her decision.

But Mr. Bush, don't waste too much time on McCain. There are 48 other Republican senators out there, at least as of press time, and you know what smooth talkers those Democrats can be.

Tell me Strom Thurmond wouldn't melt in the face of a full Green Stamp book, or that Orrin Hatch wouldn't tatoo an elephant on his arm for a role on ``Survivor Africa.''

Who knows, play your cards right, and you could win that Vermont turncoat, Jim Jeffords, back. He has been tight-lipped about his haul, but the Democrats can be kind of cheap. Offer him a time share in Woodstock and see which side he starts voting with again.

And why not go Hollywood? The Democrats love stars, even Hillary. She might seem like a tough nut - you guys have been less than diplomatic - but if people as big as Hilary Swank were psyched to get those $12,000 Oscar baskets (which included digital cameras) don't tell me Sen. Clinton wouldn't be, too.

What's a little ``maybe she'll be struck by lightning'' remark between friends? Everyone knows Trent Lott was only kidding.

You can fill those baskets with really good stuff: Nokia cell phones, free time on AOL, mixed nuts (guaranteed less than 25 percent peanut).

I know you politicians say you hate Madison Avenue techniques, but control of the Senate is important, so forget your standards, if just for once.

Maybe some of your across-the-aisle colleagues would be happier in your party but don't realize it. Why not set up a ``Pepsi Challenge''-style booth on Capitol Hill?

Blindfolded senators - Ted Kennedy, John Kerry - could be read two lists of positions and asked which they prefer. The results might be surprising. ``That's the Republican platform? Wow!'' Or, ``Hey, this tastes lemon-scented and new! It's Republican?''

And if that doesn't work, there's always a free pint of Ben & Jerry's.