Pomp and circumstantial evidence of Dubya at Yale
by Beth Teitell

Tuesday, May 22, 2001

NEW HAVEN, Conn. - President Bush returned to his alma mater yesterday to collect an honorary degree and make a short speech to graduating students.

While expectations for the day had been low - more than 150 professors signed a petition protesting Yale's decision to award the degree - Bush actually wowed the crowd with his wisdom.

``I have one word of advice for you,'' Bush said. ``Forget this looking-for-a-job stuff. Work. That'll kill you faster than that arsenic-laced drinking water everyone was so hyped up about, or those assault weapons the liberals hate.

``Look at Cheney. The guy drinks bottled water all day long, never been shot at, and he's had like what, eight, nine heart attacks? Oops. I'm not supposed to say that. He's had a few procedures. Routine.

``My point is this: No. 2 is No. 1. Don't take a job without having an assistant to do the heavy lifting.

``Oops. Misspoke again. `Heavy lifting' is OK as long as you're in the gym. Then you want to get your reps in. We've got a great health club in the White House, by the way. Kinda pricey, though. There's a $399 initiation fee - which I got for $199 because they were offering an inauguration special - but the monthly $66 is what kills you.

``Forget all this book-learnin' stuff,'' Bush continued, ``the vocabulary words, the long division, the geography. Believe me, you won't need it again. It never comes up.

``To the C students, I say, `You, too, can be president of the United States,' '' Bush said.

Although Bush is not known as one of the country's most learned presidents, the students at the Ivy League school were impressed.

``Yeah, he's stupid,'' one student said. ``But he's really smart about it.''

Another jumped in to correct her. ``He's not stupid,'' she admonished. ``He's a person with stupidity.''

If the day had one surprise - and it did - it was that after Bush's talk it emerged Bush was not Bush at all, but rather Vice President Dick Cheney wearing a rubber mask.

Reached at the White House yesterday afternoon, Bush at first denied he had sent Cheney to give his speech.

``You're not talking to me,'' Bush insisted when a reporter called the White House and a man named George answered the phone. ``I'm at Yale today. I saw me on TV.''

Later, after DNA testing and a pop quiz proved that it was indeed Cheney in New Haven, the White House put out a statement saying the president had been too piqued to attend but hadn't wanted to pull out at the last minute.

The president is known to be offended that his alma mater took so long to give his father an honorary degree.

But Heather, the fitness director at Gold's/White House, said the president had missed two workouts last weekend and had been eager to make them up.

He apparently didn't know what Cheney talked about at Yale until nighttime, when his mother read him a bedtime story and chose the text of ``Bush's'' Yale speech - titled ``See Dick Run.''

``I don't like what I said there today - particularly that bit about `C students,' '' Bush said. ``Do I?''