Chances are slim I'll avoid fast food

by Beth Teitell
Tuesday, May 21, 2002

I lock my car. I avoid bad areas. I hide my valuables when I stay in a hotel. And yet, if I'm really honest with myself, I'd admit that the greatest threat to me comes from . . . me.

That's why I was happy to read in the paper yesterday that a group of lawyers, the same ones who took on Big Tobacco, have turned their attention to Big Food.

So far two class-action suits have been filed, one against McDonald's alleging the secret use of beef extract in its fries, and the other against the maker of Pirate's Booty puffed corn, accusing the company of understating fat content. (I'm against the death penalty, but the Pirate's Booty atrocity is enough to make me rethink my position.)

Happily, those two suits are considered harbingers of even broader litigation against fast-food restaurants, and who knows where it could lead? I'd love to see congressional hearings with the Big Food CEOs, in which they'd be forced to open up recipe files. You know there's a smoking fry in there somewhere.

Actually, there is one problem with any potential lawsuits: they can't make a difference fast enough. These things can take years to wind their way through the courts, and by then who knows how heavy the country, and me in particular, will be?

We need some right-minded judge to step in and propose an interim plan while the litigation goes on. You know those electronic fences pet owners install to keep their dogs from running away? McDonald's and Burger King should be forced to put similar technology to use.

Participating dieters could purchase and wear fashionable necklaces that would administer a small shock if they tried to enter a burger emporium. The collars wouldn't prohibit you from getting in, so if you were desperate for a Big Mac, or if you were with a child demanding a Happy Meal, you'd just brace yourself for a little zap (which, upon reflection, would probably burn a few calories).

If the corporate lawyers wouldn't go for the collars - those people always smell liability - how about a simple low-tech bulletin board, sort of a reverse of the most-wanted lists. The willpower-free could distribute glossy photos of themselves that would hang under a `Do Not Sell To'' sign. (For my own protection, I'd include shots of how I look in various disguises - a bad wig, a handlebar mustache, a Groucho Marx glasses-and-nose set. I wouldn't put anything past me.)

Or maybe I'm wrong to expect the fat pushers to help their best customers. An organization such as Center for Science in the Public Interest should hold Scared Thin seminars around the country.

An obese woman, wearing a bikini and standing with her back to the audience, would wolf down fries while she talked about how fast food had ruined her life, or at least bathing suit season.

``I was thin like you once,'' she'd say as she polished off serving after serving, punctuating her remarks with cries of ``Super size it!''

Oops. Gotta go. I just realized it's lunch time. I've got to call my attorney and get some counsel before heading down to the caf.