Thursday, May 17, 2001

WASHINGTON - After days of reporting ``only really boring information'' gathered in the 2000 Census, which has no bearing on anything except federal aid and a couple of House seats, Census officials today released the juicy stuff.

The results showed a rise in the number of unmarried couples living together, and an accompanying increase in maternal ``hint dropping.'' For the first time ever, census takers interviewed mothers of those ``living in sin.'' More than one quarter said they used the following techniques to encourage matrimony: sending clippings from hometown newspapers of high school classmates who are marrying; feigning illness and wishing for a grandchild ``before I die''; and consulting with florists and caterers ``just in case.''

The new Census reports an increase in the population's median age to 35.3, the highest it has ever been. At the same time, Gap sales associates noted a frightening trend toward men and women in the 40-50 age group continuing to purchase jean jackets for themselves. ``It just makes them look older,'' one Gap employee said through her headset.

Additionally, a growing number of Americans 40 and above are continuing to say ``when I'm middle aged.''

While demographers and family experts have noted what some consider a ``disturbing'' increase in the number of households headed by single women, interior designers surveyed were equally upset by the growing number of living rooms with those loose slip-covered couches sold at Pottery Barn, and the pervasiveness of the candle as a decorating motif in adults' homes. ``Right after college I can see,'' a designer said, ``but after the age of 25 . . . please.''

The 2000 Census showed that more Americans than ever live alone, and that an increasing number of them not only eat Froot Loops for dinner but stand while doing so. ``The refrigerator is the new dining table,'' the Census noted.

The report's new section, the so-called ``quality-of-life index,'' provides insights into how Americans really live.

``The numbers on how many people eat something that's fallen on the floor when no one's looking were surprising,'' the Census director said. ``It's almost half.'' More than two-thirds of the parents in the survey admitted to stealing their children's Halloween candy, and the same percentage said they skip ahead when reading ``Goodnight Moon'' or ``The Three Bears'' when they can get away with it. A third of married people admitted lying to their spouses about what they ate, and mis-reporting their weight, even after years of marriage.

The new census also asked couples about fighting habits. In a departure from previous practice, and in a move that's sure to enrage privacy experts, the government released names of respondents. ``In Lake Forest, Ill., John and Leila Howard reported fighting `at least twice a month' about where her mother stays when she comes to visit,'' the report reads. ``And not only that, but they disagree about how cold the air conditioning should be in the summer, with Leila threatening to `sleep in my office' if John sets the thermostat below 65 again.''

In the section of the survey that dealt with housecleaning, half of all Americans admitted that they ``straightened up but didn't really clean.'' In Warren, Vt., a Census taker who visited the home of a Sheila Connor found a 3-year-old pretzel wedged between the couch's seat cushions, and a spider web later carbon-dated to 1983 spanning the space between the mantle and the wall in the first-floor guest room.

The next Census, to be conducted in 2010, will get even more personal. ``We want to know if people pluck out their stray gray hairs when they look in the mirror,'' the Census director said. ``And we're going to ask.''