Be honest: Is the truth really such a good thing?

by Beth Teitell
Tuesday, May 14, 2002

When is honesty definitely not called for?

When it's called for. As in, ``Tell me honestly, do you think I . . .''

As one of my friends - a big ``be honest with me'' person, by the way - explained: ``By the time you're asking someone to `be honest' with you, honesty is the last thing you want or can handle. You already know there's a problem, or you wouldn't be looking for guidance, or at least be pretending to look for guidance.''

True, and yet people - including me - can't help themselves.

``Will you be honest with me?'' I asked a friend the other day. A nervous look crossed her face. ``Of course,'' she said.

Her mind must have been racing: What aspect of my life - writing skill, work, weight, wardrobe - would she be asked not only to lie about, but to do so in such a convincing way that our friendship would be strengthened to the point where we could actually be . . . honest with each other.

``Did I get my hair cut too short? Tell me honestly.''

Why, you may wonder, was an honest opinion called for? If she said ``yes'' I wouldn't be able to make my hair grow instantly out of the center of my head, Barbie-doll style. And yet a ``no'' answer, coming weeks and weeks before any potential next haircut, would inevitably (and annoyingly) be sought and re-sought until right before the hair appointment, when I'd repeat the question ``Tell me honestly, was my last cut too short?'' to which she'd have to lie again, but this time restructure the lie so the obviously too-short hair cut would not be repeated. Something along the lines of: ``It was perfect for early spring, but in summer you might want to be able to pull it back into a ponytail, so maybe you should go longer.''

Even that may be veering too close toward that most dangerous of territory: the truth.

``Honesty is overrated,'' said a friend whose honest opinion (yikes) I've often sought. ``I'd have no friends if I were honest.''

She gave an example. A friend of hers - call her ``X'' - did something kind of bad and then asked if she was ``a terrible person.'' ``Tell me honestly,'' X instructed.

``I said, `No, of course not,' '' my friend said. ``But if I were being honest, I would have said, `You do have a mean streak, but you're funny, so people put up with you.' ''

But that's the kind of honesty people hold against you, even if they begged for the . . . truth.

So why do we ask? ``If I were to analyze myself, which I don't like to do,'' a friend said, ``I'd admit that `be honest' really means `make me feel better about something I've already done or am about to do.' I only say it when I'm feeling fat or underdressed or like a failure at work. It's my cue to my friends to be extra nice to me.''

``When I say `be honest with me,' '' another friend explained, ``it's not so much that I'm asking the other person to be honest, as much as I'm trying make myself believe the answer.''

If only the least trustworthy answer weren't the one that was gotten so . . . honestly.