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by Beth Teitell
Wednesday, April 17, 2002
What would you do for love?
Would you live alone on a rocky island, waiting years for your lover to return from the sea? Would you mop floors nights to put your beloved through medical school? Would you, if it came down to it, make the ultimate sacrifice?
That's a question a friend had to ask herself after her husband, a man with a family history of heart trouble, returned from a doctor's appointment with scary news about his cholesterol, and this request:
``Is it OK if we don't keep desserts in the house any more? Or butter, or soda, or sugary cereals?''
No more enjoying a leisurely glass of Coke at home? Or a nice bowl of Corn Pops for breakfast? Or some cookies on a Saturday afternoon?
``I literally would give him a kidney,'' she said. ``But I want to be able to have ice cream while I'm watching TV at night. Is that too much to ask?''
She's a nice person. She really is. So she adapted her regular dishes. She substitutes skim milk for butter in her signature baked chicken dish. She no longer buys soda. She's stopped making avocado-and-cheese sandwiches.
And although she's not proud of this, she's become kind of bitter.
``I'm developing an eating disorder,'' she said, pulling a large Caramello bar out of her purse. ``I'm binging before I go home because once I get there there's nothing to eat.''
His weight loss, in other words, is her gain.
``I should have thought more about the `in sickness and in health' part of the wedding vow,'' said another friend, this one whose husband can no longer eat salt or caffeine or anything good for that matter.
``At first I was very resentful of the no-salt ketchup,'' she said, adding that although they used to enjoy grocery shopping together, she now prefers to go alone, so she can stop at McDonald's on the way home.
``I always wonder if he can smell the Big Mac and fries on my breath or my clothes,'' she said.
When she married her husband he was a no-veggies guy, a smoker, a coffee addict. Now he eats salad for lunch and drinks only decaf. ``I'm like, `Who are you?' '' she said.
``We used to get takeout,'' she said wistfully. ``The other day I said to him, `Remember when we used to get Chinese food? Could we do that again?' He's like, `I'd have to be very careful for the whole week.' ''
Although you never hear about anyone going to court over refrigerator-stocking issues, marriage is a contract, and it's no fair when one partner changes the rules part way through, no matter what the Bible says about Love:
``Love is patient; love is kind; love is not envious or boastful or arrogant or rude.''
Sure, it's easy for Love to be so virtuous. Love does not know about the existence of Doritos or Ben & Jerry's ice cream or Rosie's cakes.
That's why Love is happy to have a half grapefruit for dessert, to drink only herbal tea, to eat only whole wheat pasta with steamed vegetables on top.
Love, as we know, ``endures all things'' - the little goody two shoes.