Computer-chip equipped feet, don't fail me now
by Beth Teitell

Thursday, April 12, 2001

Not that I would run the Boston Marathon, because I wouldn't. (This is on philosophical, not lazy, grounds, although I'm not sure what they are. Running must threaten the spotted salamander, or take food out of the mouths of babies, or increase acid rain, or something.)

But if for some reason I was forced to compete, I'll tell you one thing I would not do, besides wear really short shorts: install one of those sneaker computer chips the Boston Athletic Association uses to track runners' progress. Who wants to make it easy for others to see how slowly you're going?

It seems like she's been on Heartbreak Hill for two hours. Is that even possible?

As you might have heard, this year the BAA worsened matters by ``improving'' the tracking abilities so that e-mail alerts can be sent when (if?) you pass certain check points.

Not only that, but employees from Compaq Computer Corp. will be stationed along the course with hand-held computers. Anyone can walk up to one of Big Brother's minions and ask to see where a runner is. Can you punch in ``Teitell'' and tell me which medical tent she's in?

But what really scares me is this: styles have a way of metastasizing from the sports world into the real one. One day, the only place you saw spandex shorts was on the Tour de France; the next, civilians were wearing them on Newbury Street.

How long do we have until they're slipping transponder chips into Jimmy Choos?

Soon, your boss will be able to track your whereabouts, following your day as you move from the caf to the watercooler to your desk (briefly), back to the water cooler, to the vending machine and down to the on-site gym.

It's all part of a scary trend. I don't know if you've seen them, but there are now these so-called ``smart'' appliances. They can communicate with each other. If you put on a few pounds, for example, your scale rats you out to your kitchen computer, which sanctimoniously calls up healthier recipes.

Technology is invading clothing, too (not just shoes). As Entertainment Weekly put it in a recent headline: ``In the brave new unplugged world, you'll not only carry the Web on you, you'll make it your wardrobe, too.'' Levi's makes a jacket with an embroidered key pad on the shoulder, and there's talk of jogging bras that monitor your heart rate and maternity clothing that keeps track of fetal movements.

Does no one remember the lesson of the Trojan horse? I say don't let these little chips into our lives. Or if we do, let's at least manipulate them for our own purposes.

Agree to wear the chip in your shoe, but cheat. That shoe can be everywhere you're not. It's on the treadmill at 6 a.m. and it's at your desk by 7:30, getting up only for work-related reasons, and staying past closing time. During the day, it's taking cabs to important meetings, padding out your expense report, and on the T on the way home it gives its seat to an elderly person. On the weekends it's off to one of the city's rundown neighborhoods, where it's rehabbing homes. In the evenings, the shoe goes to museums and readings, or attends an adult-education course - history, perhaps, or world literature.

And you? You're walking around with a mismatched pair of shoes, but who cares? You're having a blast, watching TV, hitting Burger King two, three times a day, going to Foxwoods during working hours.

Now if they could only make a shoe that could run the marathon by itself - and give you the calories burned - we'd be all set.