Being a world leader means never having to say you're sorry
by Beth Teitell

Wednesday, April 11, 2001

Dear Miss Lonely Hearts:

Maybe you can help me. I know this information is classified, but I don't know where else to turn. I'd love to talk to Dick Cheney, but dad and everyone else (!) has told me not to stress him out. (Don't tell anyone, but it makes me nervous to realize that I'm just a heartbeat away from the presidency.)

Anyway, as you may have heard, China busted one of my spy planes last week and now they're demanding a big apology.

I've already said I regret what happened - what more do you want from me, babe? Are we going to talk about this forever?

Miss L., the way China's acting, making an international incident over a molehill, you'd think I'd forgotten an anniversary or something (which I've done a few times, but Laura's quite a girl. She just buys herself a present ``from George'' and makes a nice dinner. Hey, maybe I should send her over there to teach them a thing or two about dealing with a Texan. Nah, don't want a Hillary Rodwhatever Clinton situation on my hands).

I could send a video of ``Love Story.'' And get this - I'll pause it right at the point where Ali McGraw says, ``Love means never having to say you're sorry.''

Whoa! I just realized two things:

1) Don't tell Dad I mentioned that movie. He told me there's some kind of Al Gore connection, and we don't talk about him.

2) I better get a translator to write a note telling the Chinese to send it back within five days or Laura will get mad about the late penalties at Blockbuster. She went ball-is-tic when I forgot to return ``Porky's II'' and then lied about it.

Hey, I have another idea. As long as I'm Fed Ex-ing the video, I could make an audio tape, too, if the White House has recording equipment, that is.

How about this for a playlist? ``Sorry is a Sorry Word,'' by The Temptations, ``Hard to Say I'm Sorry'' by Chicago, ``Never Gonna Say I'm Sorry'' by Ace of Base, and ``Not Sorry'' by the Cranberries.

Jeez! Nice hit. Oh, sorry. I was just watching a tape of a Texas Rangers game I missed the other day. I tell ya, between pretending to be briefed all the time and having to go to those late state dinners, this job is a killer. The last thing I have time for is a relationship problem. (Note to self: Find out how Clinton made time to fight with both Hillary and Monica.)

I know China and I have been having problems for fewer than two weeks, and I know I'm not supposed to make threats, but the way I'm feeling now, I'd rather just cut off the relationship than be nagged to death. I'm not going to have someone tell me I'm not apologizing in the right way. Reminds me too much of when I was a kid and Mom would say, ``Say you're sorry,'' and I'd throw my head back and say ``Sorrrrrry!'' and she'd say, ``Say it like you mean it.''

Ha, ha, ha, one of the guys at the frat - I mean White - House just came up with a baddddd idea. I'll say ``I'm sorry'' but I'll cross my fingers while I'm doing it.

Sincerely,

Anonymous, Washington, D.C.