Eat dinner at a table? Fuhgedaboudit
by Beth Teitell

Thursday, March 15, 2001

Murder is one thing. Eating standing up is another.

Or, as Carmela Soprano said in last Sunday's episode, ``It's important, with Meadow gone, that we don't turn into a family that eats standing at the counter.''

``Great,'' I thought, as my husband and I finished our lasagna (our placemats on the floor in front of the couch) and reminisced about meals enjoyed on our feet, ``a mafioso's wife has higher standards than I do.''

What is it about eating and standing that's so bad anyway?

I know, I know, they say that if you eat standing in front of the refrigerator, or ``sample'' while cooking - I need to make sure this fudge is chocolatey enough - your body won't ``know it has eaten.''

Or here's another thing you hear: Families that dine together are stronger. That may be true, but if your family is the Sopranos, aren't you better off eating alone? Perhaps it's not the standing that's the problem.

Carmela, you don't know what you're missing. Eating while standing - or better yet, walking - is one of life's great pleasures. Sadly, it does not enjoy the social acceptance it might. Sure, some foods have crossed over. Ice cream cones, hot dogs, soft pretzels, the 40-ounce can of beer in a brown paper bag.

If you're spotted strolling Newbury Street with one of those in your mitt, you appear festive. But walk while soy saucing and wasabi-ing a California roll and you'll get looks. (Believe me, I know, I'm speaking from experience.)

``It makes you seem desperate,'' a friend told me. ``As if you couldn't wait to get where you were going to eat. It's like when you see people eating in the supermarket.''

Well, yeah, what's unusual about that? Who can wait?

But even as I write that, I must admit I do have standards, low as they might be. I bought a pint of Ben & Jerry's frozen yogurt at a 7-Eleven the other day, and the clerk asked if I'd like a spoon.

A spoon?! Hello. We're talking a pint here. What was he thinking? I'm not saying a pint isn't a single-serving - but not when you're under surveillance. That's a home portion.

``No, thank you,'' I replied, trying to look horrified.

``That's why animals have it so good,'' a friend said when I related the incident.

``If you're a carriage horse in Central Park, it's completely acceptable to have your lunch tied around your neck.''

And the animal rights people complain about the horses' working conditions. We should all have it so good.

I'm not sure how many calories you burn while walking and eating, or eating and standing, but I'm guessing it's a hefty number.

A study reported in the New England Journal of Medicine suggested that, other variables being constant, the metabolic expenditure of continual gum chewing during all waking hours will, in the course of a year, bring about a five-kilogram reduction in body weight.

I did the math - that's 11 pounds. But why confine the chewing to daytime hours? Why not hook up a machine that makes your mouth chew while you sleep, for a bonus weight loss of 3 pounds?

But there's a downside to the gum diet. As I'm sure Carmela would tell Meadow, you shouldn't chew in public. It's not classy.