Hollywood minions strike while the collagen is hot
by Beth Teitell

Thursday, February 22, 2001

HOLLYWOOD - A hint of optimism was beginning to creep back into this town, with the headline in Monday's New York Times: ``Writers Strike May Not Be Inevitable.''

But yesterday, Tinseltown was rocked by the news that several other industry groups are considering job-related actions and, unlike writers, Hollywood might not be able to survive without them.

Looking at himself in one of the many mirrors in Frederick Fekkai's Rodeo Drive salon, a spokesman for the International Brotherhood of Hairdressers, Eyebrow Waxers and Shampoo Artists announced talks between his union and the Screen Actors Guild had broken down after chief negotiator Jennifer Aniston ``pulled a hissy fit'' when the stylist foiling the ``Friends'' star's hair remarked it was ``kind of dry.''

Like letter carriers, stylists are forbidden by federal law from striking, so the group has threatened a work slowdown if its demands - chief among them a dental plan with 100 percent coverage of teeth whitening - are not met.

``We'll bring this town to its knees,'' the spokesman said, making veiled threats about stars such as Julia Roberts, Gwyneth Paltrow and Jennifer Lopez having to wait days, or even weeks, for an appointment.

``People are going to get hurt,'' he said. ``Roots are going to show. Layers are going to grow out.''

Even as a potential actors strike looms this summer, the shop steward of the Tush and Breast Doubles Workers of America said his people were considering a walkout of their own.

``If they don't give us our own Oscar category, let them do their own body work,'' he said. ``And good luck to Greg Kinnear finding someone to double his chest.''

A few miles away, at a press conference held at the offices of United Celebrity Assistants and Personal Trainers, the rank and file were getting worked up.

``Let them get their own latte!'' the union leader said as the membership cheered. ``Let them count their own crunches!'' (More cheers.) ``Let them star in their own movies.''

Reminded by a reporter at the press conference that stars actually do star in their own movies, the leader was unbowed. ``Not without us they don't,'' he snapped.

Even as the writers continued to press their argument that without them, Hollywood wouldn't exist, it emerged that several shows don't actually use scripts.

``We just make the stuff up as we go along,'' one of the stars of ``Everybody Loves Raymond'' said.

``I thought that's just how it was done,'' he added. ``Do you mean other shows have writers? That would be great!''

``Writers?'' asked David Spade of ``Just Shoot Me.'' ``We have actors who play writers on our show, but as far as actual writers go, no, we don't use them. You've seen the show.''

Meanwhile, Mark Burnett, the ``Survivor'' producer, was said to be panicky at the thought of a writers strike.

``Real people don't know how real people talk,'' he said. ``This could ruin reality TV.''