Our ratings would be high if we could be in sweeps
by Beth Teitell

Wednesday, February 21, 2001

You know what ``sweeps'' are, right? They're those few months each year when television isn't allowed to stink as much as usual.

The networks set their advertising rates during sweeps -February, May and November - and as a result, you get half-decent new shows those months, and recycled dreck the rest of year.

Well, I want the same sweet deal. Why can't my work for the year be judged on just 90 days? And now that I think about it, not only my work, but my weight, my personality, my wardrobe, my whole existence?

I could be nice for three months - or eat only lettuce, or volunteer, or floss - especially if I had a cushy package like the TV guys do, and I knew ahead of time when people's impressions would be set.

Frankly, it's exhausting to keep everything up 24/7/365.

``Think of the implications for marriage,'' one wife told me. ``Nine months out of the year you could behave however you want, and then during your sweeps you'd be all lovey-dovey. You'd cook, you'd clean, you'd actually pay attention when he talked about work. That's what would be remembered when your birthday came around, and not the million times you fell asleep on the couch watching `Will & Grace.' ''

Sure, you'd be busy during sweeps, delivering meals to the elderly, reading to the young, taking extra assignments at work, ironing, exercising, dropping in on neighbors, writing thank-you notes, organizing your closets, calling your mother, brushing your teeth, giving other drivers frontsies, but you'd know that it was worth it. No more giving it your all when it might not even count. That's for suckers.

And how about the workplace? I could make myself indispensable during sweeps, work 12 hours a day, and set my pay rate for the year. Then, when my sweeps were over, it would be back to banging in sick and taking two-hour lunches.

``How exactly would it work?'' a friend asked when I mentioned Personal Sweeps to her. ``Would everyone have the same months? Or would they be staggered?''

We discussed the merits of each, and decided that a staggered approach would be better. Otherwise if you called Verizon customer service, or rode the T when every employee was in reruns, so to speak, it would not be pretty.

And besides, as anyone who has had to make the difficult decision between ``Survivor II'' and the souped-up episodes of ``Friends'' knows, at some point, too much of a good thing doesn't help you (unless you know how to program your VCR to record one show while you're watching a second, in which case I'd like to get to know you better).

Another question: Would your sweeps months always be the same? If so, and something really big were coming up, like a wedding, or you were eight months pregnant, could you apply for a deferral?

And to whom? Would sweeps be administered by the federal government, perhaps by a newly created cabinet secretary, a Secretary of Personality? (Might not be a bad position for former President Clinton. If anyone would understand the beauty of being allowed to throw out your worst behavior, he's the guy.)

In any case, it seems to me that being decent three months per year and average-to-cruddy the rest of the time is too juicy an arrangement to be left just to the TV folks. Consider this fair warning that I'm taking the sweeps approach from here on.

Which reminds me: I just learned my sweeps aren't starting until next week. I was going to finish this column, but why bother? They can just rerun an old one.