Pondering life, the universe and more important questions
by Beth Teitell

Thursday, February 15, 2001

I don't know if you read the news, what with all that was going on with Tom and Nicole, but last week a team of scientists at Brookhaven National Laboratory in New York announced that they'd taken a measurement that describes how a subatomic particle behaves, and apparently the observation didn't fit into standard theories explaining the matter and forces that shape the universe.

``If the findings are confirmed,'' The New York Times reported in a Page One story, ``the heart of the subatomic theory, called the Standard Model, will be `insufficient to describe our universe,' said Dr. Thomas B. Kirk, Brookhaven's associate director for high energy and nuclear physics.''

Oh, great. There's a theory out there that's considered the ``closest thing to a theory of everything'' - as National Public Radio put it - and I've never even heard of it?

And now it might be toppled? Can you mourn something you didn't know existed?

To think, a couple of years back I teased my husband when it emerged he didn't know Kathie Lee was married. After all that had been in the tabloids about Frank Gifford's hotel rendezvous! My husband, at least, is familiar with this so-called theory of how the world works.

Looking for solace, I called a friend. She put things in perspective for me. ``Everyone has his or her area of expertise,'' she said. ``And it's not like you and I aren't educated. I know what an atom is, sort of. It's really small, right?''

I told her that from what I could gather, not having heard of the Standard Model was like not having heard of Earth, or botox injections.

``Whatever,'' she said, turning her attention back to the map on the box of Valentine's chocolates she was eating. ``Which do you think sounds more like a morning candy, hazelnut or orange creme?''

I got off the phone still shaken. If the laws of physics are threatened, everything's up for grabs, right?

Who knows, maybe a few years from now a group of fashion editors will conduct studies at Conde Nast laboratories and stun the world with an announcement that black isn't slimming, or that an A-line dress doesn't flatter the fuller figure, or that it isn't just as easy to marry a rich man as a poor one.

Looking for any tidbits that would have an impact on my life, I read the news stories pretty carefully, and a number of them reported that - until now, at least - the Standard Model has explained three of the four forces in the universe: the strong and weak forces (which hold atoms together) and the electromagnetic force - but not gravity.

This is when I wish I had more of a science background, since I'm still not sure if the Standard Model did or did not explain why:

Your hair looks its best the day you're slated for a haircut; the talk show guests being promo'd for tomorrow night's Leno are always better than the ones on tonight, when you're watching; it takes years to get in shape, but only a month to get out of it; and the biggie: why ``Mad About You'' is tolerable in reruns but was unwatchable during its original run.

If you ask me, scientists are spending too much time on subatomic particles, and not enough on the really important questions.