Wednesday, February 14, 2001

A day for love? Hah! A day to try and stay out of trouble. That's what Valentine's Day has morphed into.

``Happy Please Don't Be Angry With Me Day, honey!!!''

``The best you can hope for is a wash,'' a married man I know told me. ``You don't get credit for going to a nice restaurant or buying jewelry. Like paying your mortgage or showing up for work, it's just expected.''

In other words, all those romantic Mylar balloons and flowers are nothing more than protection money wearing a dress.

Hey, you, loverboy, send a stuffed bear with heart-shaped sunglasses and no one gets hurt, see.

Even on National Public Radio, where you'd think the audience would be too sophisticated for scare tactics, the holiday exerted its muscle.

If you donated $100 to WBUR by 9 a.m. yesterday, the florist Kabloom promised to send a dozen roses to your valentine. 'BUR host Bob Oakes promoted the offer by suggesting that sending the flowers would be a good way to stay out of ``trouble'' on Wednesday.

Hannibal. Jason. Cupid.

Perhaps nowhere is the fear more palpable than last call at a card shop. ``They're panicked,'' said Vikki Maloney, an assistant manager at Copley Flair, recalling what it was like at the downtown shop where she worked last year.

Although no one actually banged on the door begging to be let in, the tension was thicker than the mulberry aroma wafting from a scented candle. ``I need a card!'' one man said, turning to Maloney for advice. ``Which one would you like to get from your husband?''

Oh, Valentine's Day, why have you turned on us? We've been so nice to you all these years. Spending $75 to send a bouquet that should cost $25. Buying cards that, frankly, made us wince. Eating all those oysters.

OK, sure, there's been some hostility toward you lately. I've seen what you've seen. I went to the Google search engine and typed in ``Valentine's Day'' and ``hate'' and got 24,400 listings, just like you did.

But don't you see, these people are striking out because they're hurt. If the following isn't a cry for help, I don't know what is:

``Does Cupid strike you as stupid?'' asks one of the Web sites I found. ``The smell of flowers makes you gag? Lactose intolerant to chocolate hearts?''

Yes, I read The New York Times on Sunday, too. I saw the story about the Black Hearts party, a full-blown celebration of the dark side of love that has grown from a small affair to a party for 400.

But you have only yourself to blame. Because of you, the entire month of February has become infected by people throwing their love in others' faces.

Like this from People.com: ``We turned to the stars to find out what moments made their hearts thump and posed the question -What's the most romantic thing anyone has ever said or done for you?''

OK, so not only is Hilary Swank beautiful, but, she told People.com, her husband Chad Lowe serves her breakfast in bed. ``And he's a good cook, too,'' Swanks says.

``Thanks, I needed to know that,'' a friend responded when I told her about the pair's love nest.

Meanwhile, things don't look good for Valentine's Day, at least not in the foreseeable future: With no war going on, and Kathie Lee off the air, Americans lack a common enemy. Valentine's Day, you're it!