Ogling celebrity marriages with eyes wide shut
by Beth Teitell

Thursday, February 8, 2001

On June 1 of last year, Courtney-Thorne Smith, the former ``Ally McBeal'' star, and Andrew Conrad, a genetic scientist, married. The ceremony took place in beautiful Hawaii and, as readers of In Style's special ``Weddings'' issue learned, the bride and groom loved the island of Lanai so much they made plans to build a home there.

``Someplace that has enough room for family and friends,'' Thorne-Smith gushed.

In January, or about the time when the couple should have been denying or confirming reports that Courtney was pregnant, they instead announced they were separating.

Seven months from dream house to Splitsville? From feasting on coconut-encrusted Hawaiian snapper and a Grand Marnier sponge wedding cake to sharing custody of the dogs?

What happened?

That's what bugs me about stars. You spend all this time getting to know them. And I don't mean the superficial stuff like watching their movies or TV shows, either. I'm talking about studying the literature. Reading People magazine, US Weekly, In Style, Entertainment Weekly, so you get to know the person behind the glamorous facade.

The person who's insecure about her looks, or who enjoys nothing more than spending time with his kids. A person, in other words, who is just like you, if you were better-looking, more successful, richer and vacationed at better places.

You selflessly invest all this time becoming friends with your chosen celebrity. Time, which, frankly, you would have preferred to spend visiting the elderly or learning to cook or spending time with your own children. And then what?

There's no ``I wanted you to hear this from me first'' call. No ``Just so you won't be surprised when you read the news'' e-mail. Nothing. You're watching the E! channel and all of a sudden they're interrupting regularly scheduled programming to bring you this breaking news story: Nicole and Tom are splitting up.

That's what happened to me Monday. Me, who had been with Tom and Nicole all along. I was there for them when the papers ran those horrible stories claiming the marriage was a ``sham,'' a cover-up for Cruise's alleged homosexuality. I understood ITAL exactly ITAL what Nicole meant when she said, ``When you're loved for your flaws, that's when you really feel safe.'' I knew how hard it was for Nicole living in Tom's shadow, and I cheered when the couple donated the $500,000 they won in a libel suit to charity. (Do the newspapers get their money back now?)

I don't mean to get all emotional, but this has been a tough period. Meg and Dennis. Helen Hunt and Hank Azaria. Ellen and Anne.

And then the Baldwins? Sure, I knew theirs always had been a rocky relationship, full of public tantrums and tearful recriminations, but I thought they fought in a we-love-each-other-so-madly-we-have-to-throw-chairs kind of way.

You know what? I'm not going to get suckered again. I've already read about Brad and Jennifer's wedding, and Michael Douglas and Catherine Zeta-Jones', and Madonna's, of course. (Baby Rocco wore a kilt!). Those are sunk costs.

But that's it. Those people don't treat me right. I'm not spending any more time with them. At least, not until People magazine's next ``Staying Friends After the Split'' cover story, that is.