Gorilla doesn't monkey around when it comes to junk food
by Beth Teitell

Tuesday, February 6, 2001

As if more proof were needed that we're descended from apes:

On Sunday, a gorilla living at the Pittsburgh Zoo & Aquarium broke free from her cage - and went straight to the concession stand, where she dined on muffins, cherry Danish and soda that had been tossed into trash cans.

``She seemed to especially like the Orange Slice'' soda, one of the zookeepers told the Scripps Howard News Service.

I like the little lady's style. An hour of freedom, and she doesn't waste her time in some politically correct back-to-her-roots search for a rain forest but instead gets straight down to business.

One of the zookeepers seemed surprised that the ape was able to break out - she had to scale a 14-foot wall and cross a large moat - but as they say, where there's a will, there's a way. You think staying within the Zone is hard, try living on a diet of bark, leaves and buds for 10 years.

The ape's story reminds me of those daring spa breaks you hear about occasionally: A woman escapes from a Canyon Ranch, or a Kripalau, and crawls her way to a Ben & Jerry's, where she bribes a scooper to make hers a double and to keep his mouth shut if the law comes around.

To be honest, some of the particulars of the ape's story hit a bit close to home, especially this:

``Her baby was crying and calling out to her,'' the story reported, ``but she continued eating.''

As a new mom, I know a baby or two, and let's just say that you'd think they, of all people, would understand that when you gotta eat, you gotta eat.

Seeing myself in the ape like that was making me feel bad, until I read that zoo visitors - 250 of them - were held captive in buildings for 45 minutes while the snacking went on. To the best of my knowledge, no one has ever had to seek shelter when I'm involved with a family-sized bag of Baked Lays potato chips.

In the female human, that kind of out-of-control eating usually ends when her husband or roommate comes home; in the gorilla's case, the fun was put to a stop by zookeepers, who lured her into the women's restroom and injected her with a tranquilizer.

That's pretty mean, but it does give me an idea: You know those EpiPens that people keep around in case of allergic reactions? Why not a home tranquilizer dart? You could store it in the kitchen, next to the fire extinguisher, and set it to shoot after ice cream levels in the freezer fall too low, or the weight of the Tupperware with last night's pasta drops by 50 percent.

``Think how happy you'd be when you came to,'' a friend said when I ran the idea by her.

``Even if you hit your head on the way down. There's nothing worse than that moment when the storm breaks and you realize the damage you've done in 10 minutes.''

I haven't read any post-break interviews with the ape, but one can only imagine how upset she is right about now. The insensitive reporter included not only her height, but her weight!

I know apes aren't supposed to care about things like this, but speaking as a female, believe me, if you're 3 feet tall and weigh 150 pounds (with no clothes on), believe me you care.

It's enough to make a girl go . . . ape!