Smokers Airways: It’ll take your breath away
By Beth Teitell
Boston Herald Columnist
Thursday, September 7, 2006
So, a German entrepreneur is starting an all-smokers airline. Imagine getting a whiff of that baby when it lands.
Plans call for the airline, Smokers International Airways (Smintair, for the short of breath), to start flying between Dusseldorf, Germany, and Tokyo in March. Alexander Schoppmann, a heavy smoker himself, says his airline will offer passengers the best of everything: food, leg room, entertainment options, “charming and beautiful” flight attendants (no doubt giving the emergency drill with alluring three-pack-a-day rasps). “Everything from caviar to clothes and smoker’s utensils to jewelry will be offered for free consumption or at special duty-free prices during our flights,” the Web site promises.
Aside from speculating on what “smoker’s utensils” are - special forks for spearing wayward butts - I must say I’m miffed. Gourmet food? Room to stretch out? TV? As my 4-year-old son would say, “That’s not fair.” Why do the smokers get to have all the fun? There is, however, a bit of a plum for the goody-two-shoes among us. Smintair, it turns out, also will welcome nonsmokers, and what a pleasure the flight will be: “Nonsmokers will find the cabin air more refreshing than on any other flight with any other airline, as Smintair adds fresh outside air to the conditioning system! This is more expensive, as it burns more fuel, but it is seen as an additional service to our guests.” Global warming, be damned.
But the promise of refreshing (expensive) air is almost enough to make me fly between Germany and Japan, just to inhale. In fact, what’s not to like? Well, uh, plenty, even according to some smokers themselves. Helen Keyes, a longtime smoker from the South Shore, says the idea of being with an entire group of people who share her habit is not appealing. “It’s one thing if I’m by myself and hanging my head out the door (of a house),” she said. But another if she’s strapped between two human chimneys for 12 hours.
But Norman Kjono, a smoker writing a book on the fiscal consequences of tobacco control on state budgets, brushed aside any questions of air quality. “When you get rid of all the dogma (about the dangers of secondhand smoke) we’re still a competitive society, my friend. Ideas fly, or they don’t. Pardon the pun.”
Pun pardoned. He has a point, which gave me an idea for other airlines catering to social pariahs. Why not an airline for cell-phone addicts? Fliers could yap freely - and loudly - about excruciating minutiae without having to endure angry stares. (VerizAir, perhaps?) Crying babies could have their own carriers, as could overly chatty fliers. No reading materials allowed onboard, and conversations must be carried out, nonstop, about the following subjects: personal illness, conspiracy theories, arcane workplace politics.
And finally, may I suggest an airline specifically for those afraid to fly? TerraAir would offer a smooth ride, anxiety-free. It would just taxi to your destination.
