Xena the warrior planet knocks Pluto out of orbit
By Beth Teitell
Boston Herald Columnist
Wednesday, August 16, 2006
So, there’s a bunch of astronomers meeting in Prague debating whether Pluto still meets the definition of a planet. Well, I’ve got a message for them from all of us: Hands off.
It’s doing a fine job, thank you very much - ruling the sign of Scorpio with an even hand, solidly anchoring the mnemonic ‘‘My Very Educated Mother Just Served Us Nice Pizzas,” allowing a 125-pound woman to weigh only 10 pounds if she were lucky enough to live there.
What more could you want from a planet And don’t tell me breathable air or drinkable water, because Earth’s got both of those going for it, and you see where that’s gotten us. We can’t even bring a gel-filled baby teething ring aboard an airplane.
So what was Pluto’s crime? Was it caught paying off a member of the International Astronomical Union? Did it take orbit-enhancing steroids? No. Pluto’s main problem is that it’s not Xena, a recently discovered non-stellar object that’s not only bigger than Pluto, but also benefits from a much sexier name. It might even have a leather breastplate, but I’m not sure.
So now the thinking in solar circles goes like this: if Xena’s not a planet, then the smaller Pluto shouldn’t be either. However, if Pluto keeps its title, then Xena deserves one, too, as may dozens of other objects zipping around out there. Tell me, what child is going to be able to remember the names of more than 50 planets?
But Pluto’s potential pink slip has me nervous - because if it goes, none of us are safe. I mean, if they can redefine a planet, what else is up for grabs? You know that size 8 you’re so proud to fit into? That’s a 12 now. And remember how we said you didn’t have high blood pressure? Oh, sorry, but the definition has changed; time to start watching your salt intake.
Meanwhile, not to take anything away from the brainy astronomers with their cosmic concerns, but it strikes me that they’re facing a dilemma encountered by mothers-of-the-bride every day. It’s the ‘‘if we invite so-and-so, then we’re going to have to invite so-and-so and so-and-so and so-and-so’s cousin and we’ve got to keep The List down to 250” problem.
So how to solve the astronomical glitch Just sit Pluto and Xena far away from each other at the reception.
