Suggested Fenway Park changes give new meaning to ‘cleanup hitter’
By Beth Teitell
Tuesday, April 11, 2006 - Updated: 10:57 AM EST
Please don’t misunderstand. It’s not that I don’t enjoy sitting through a three-hour Red Sox game, perhaps in a refreshing drizzle, it’s just that the experience could be improved a bit. And by “improved a bit,” I don’t mean the new onion rings and staircase near Gate D the team’s touting on its Web site.
I mean changed totally.
I don’t know how to put this delicately, but not every member of Red Sox Nation packed into Fenway Park during those much-ballyhooed sold-out games is happy about her citizenship. Many “fans” would rather spend that chunk of time doing, oh, I don’t know, laundry, or taxes, and yet, for reasons relating to marital harmony or making a client happy, she goes.
So why not toss the victim/fan a bone? In fact, let’s start with laundry. Imagine throwing in a load or two at the park and folding it while you “watch” the game (or, to be more precise, while you orient your head in the general direction of the field while speculating about whether the couple in front of you will stay together).
Speaking of others in the crowd, oh how much more fun the games would be if shots of the audience were flashed on the Jumbotron along with their back stories, dirty laundry and all. I know there’s gossip about the players’ private lives in the newspapers, but their various woes aren’t really enough to carry you through nine innings or, heaven forbid, extra innings (worse than steroids).
Actually, to be fair, you never have to watch all the innings. Even the sternest taskmaster allows time off - in the ladies room for good behavior - and believe me, the seasoned victim/fan knows how to stretch this furlough. But even so, there’s only so much time you want to spend in those gross, cavernous hallways being jostled by actual fans eager to get their beer and get back to their seats.
Fenway should take a play from Logan Airport’s book and offer enhanced shopping (enormous Styrofoam fingers don’t count). If I could duck into a Filene’s Basement or a Victoria’s Secret - and still get credit for attending the game - I’d be a lot more eager to go. Hey, I wouldn’t even mind the interminable lines at the cash register. In fact, the longer the better.
Because as we all know, the length of the games is a major part of the problem. They should be a half-hour long. Until that happens, let’s at least add a workout section to the park, with treadmills and stationary bikes instead of seats. And when you signal the peanut guy to toss you a bag, you’re not eating out of boredom - it’s now part of the arm work you’re doing.
You know, this new and improved Fenway is starting to sound pretty appealing. If I could only get tickets.
