Oh, ultra-trendy jeans, why must you toy with us?
By Beth Teitell
Wednesday, March 22, 2006
I don’t know whether to celebrate, or run for my life.
The death knell has sounded for ultra-low-rise jeans. News reports claim the fashion world is moving on, taking with it countless unsightly ‘‘muffin tops” (the fat that bulges over the jeans), girl love handles, appendix-operation scars and whale tails (also known as thong straps). From now on, allegedly, ‘‘plumber butt” will be for plumbers only.
It’s tempting to stand up and cheer - without fear of exposing your belly, or worse. What’s not to like about a trend that diminishes at least a small part of Britney Spears’ presence in our society? As you’ll no doubt recall, even if you try to repress it, she was the one who kicked off the look in 2000, back in her pop tart days. Thanks, y’all.
On the positive side, the days of visual oversharing are on their way out, and yet . . . You know how the mafia is said to keep smaller crime in check? Well, think of the ultra-low-rise jean as the Godfather, and now that he’s been whacked by the Feds, or the Fashionistas, the petty criminals will move into the neighborhood.
And by ‘‘petty criminal” I mean ‘‘tapered-leg” jeans, leggings, pants with cuffs that add 20 pounds - per leg. On the face of it, those offerings are not quite as lethal as the Big Boss, but beware - they’re even more insidious. Tapered-leg jeans can suck you in in a way ultra-low-rise never could, and the next thing you know, you’ve got that old peg leg look again.
‘‘It’s like a boyfriend you break up with and then go out with again,” one perpetual fashion victim mused. ‘‘Every time, you think it will be different, better, and it never is, even though promises are made. Soon, naked will be back, and then you’ll know it’s the end of the world.”
Well, the end of the world as brought to you by True Religion.
Meanwhile, moms around the country are rejoicing about the news, but they especially will rue the demise of the ultra-low-rise. When the dreaded Mom jeans make their inevitable comeback, that is, in acid wash no less.
‘‘I’ll consider it an act of great respect if you wear these jeans that brush your collarbone to the wedding of my daughter.”
