Airlines must prepare to fly the costly skies
By Beth Teitell
Thursday, March 16, 2006
OK, Northwest Airlines, go ahead with your miserly plan and charge fliers an extra $15 if we want an aisle or exit-row seat. Be that way. As for you other carriers, why not follow Northwest’s lead and levy that surcharge on top of those you already squeeze from your victims - sorry, passengers - for such former freebies as meals, pillows, curbside check-in, headphones and toilet seats. (OK, I made that last one up. They’re still free - for now).
But here’s the deal: I’ll fork over $15 for a - slightly - better seat, but I want you to start recompensing me and my fellow fliers for various infractions on your part. Sorry, but you know what they say. Turnaround’s fair play.
The next time I board a flight I’ll carry a price list. You keep me waiting for two hours after insisting the delay was only going to be 10 minutes, and then just 10 more, so no one dares leave the seating area, I want $5. I’ll start a tab for you. If the beverage cart needlessly imprisons me in front of someone else’s seat, forcing me to squeeze between a stranger’s legs and the row in front of him, you’re looking at another $5. And you can double that if the cart bangs my elbow or foot. If I find trash from the flight before mine in my seatback pocket, it’s gonna get pricey. Ditto if the lavatory is out of towels, or if the flight attendant ignores me when I push that little button. If she tells me she’s getting my diet Coke and then I see her serving other passengers first, believe me, the meter is running.
Furthermore, “annoyance” charges will be levied whenever:
1. The English language is misused. The next time I’m ordered to “please stay seated until the plane has come to a complete stop at the terminal building,” someone’s going to pay. What other kind of stop is there besides a “complete” one (Boston drivers excepted)?
2. A hollow offer is broadcast over the PA. I want a free flight from the next pilot who says, “If there’s anything we up here in the cockpit can do to make your flight more comfortable, please let us know.” Be real. You can’t get anywhere near the cockpit these days, let alone ask the pilot for little favors. My pants are a little snug because I binged at Cinnabon, is there anything you gentlemen can do?
But, to be fair, the airlines aren’t the only ones who owe me. I want the power to levy passenger-to-passenger fines. You slam your seat back with complete disregard to my legroom, it’s $5. And if you’re sitting in one of those cheapo window seats, enjoying the view for nothing while I’ve shelled out an extra $15 for an aisle seat, just try to sque
