Sadly, celeb trio rules the magazine universe
By Beth Teitell
Thursday, January 19, 2006
I’m glad the Martians haven’t followed the crop-circle directions and landed in the United States. You know why? Because I’d be embarrassed.
Imagine the scenario: ETs touch down, famished (Red Planet Airlines also has eliminated complimentary meal service) and head to Star Market for a quick nosh. Waiting at the checkout, they grab a few celebrity magazines, expecting a windfall of star-studded news. Why else travel 8 skillion light years? But what’s this? Are humans so un-evolved that we only have three celebs?
I can just imagine the cellphone call home (with no roaming charges; Mars is way ahead in the wireless area): ”No lie. Brad, Angelina and Jennifer. That’s about it.”
As in: ”Angelina reveals: Yes, I’m pregnant.” ”Angelina: Her big secrets.” ”Jen talks to Angelina! Finally - How they really feel about each other.” ”Jen to crash Brad wedding!”
”I wish there was some governing body we could appeal to,” an avid and bored celebrity-rag reader said. ”Congressional hearings would be good.”
As the reading public, here’s what our inquiring minds want to know: Has the number of ink-worthy celebrities dropped dangerously low, or does it just seem that way? Have the magazines formed a secret cabal? Can’t the government juice up the celeb industry (tax incentives for scandals, perhaps?)? I mean, the divorce and unplanned-baby plotlines have been done. Should they hire writers to script their off-screen lives, too? This worked well in the past, during the PR-muscled studio system of days gone by.
Why have (has?) Brangelina been allowed to hog all the story lines - the spouse-leaving, the foreign-baby-adopting, the baby bump, the nuptials watch. Not that I wish them ill, but I almost wish they’d marry so they could divorce and then their chapter would be over.
How numbing is the blanket Brangelina coverage? This bad: I was reading People magazine the other day (someone has to do it) and was actually relieved to come across a piece on Donald Trump and his expectant wife, in which Donald reveals he won’t be present during his baby’s birth. ”I think it’s easier for Melania if I’m not there,” he told People.
”At this point,” my friend added, ”the only thing I’d want about Brangelina is that they’re expecting an alien baby.”
That would make a welcome change. And we could hold our heads high when the saucers land.
