Financiers say red (ink) is the new black
By Beth Teitell
Tuesday, November 22, 2005
With six weeks remaining in the 2005 fiscal year, shareholders in Beth Teitell PLG LLC LTD are being warned that the firm will not meet expectations (hers, her mother’s, her boss’, you name it).
Rising gasoline prices, the ongoing wars in Iraq and Afghanistan, hurricanes Katrina and Rita and the deficit (both federal and personal) are cited for softening the economy, but honestly, it would not be fair to attribute BT’s fiscal woes to any of those forces. ”Her problem is that she’s not a smart shopper,” an analyst who follows the one-woman media firm noted. ”She has two pairs of jeans already, she needs a third? And she can’t remember to bring her coupon envelope to Shaw’s? How hard can it be?”
BT advised analysts that it would be writing off severe losses this year, including two pairs of J. Crew shoes that seemed comfortable in the store, but which produced instant blisters on the pinky toe of her right foot. Other losses include a winter coat that looked warm but provided no actual comfort, prompting the emergency purchase of a second coat, not on sale, and an unused gym membership.
Shareholders should expect even cheaper gifts than usual this holiday season and fewer offers to ”let me get that” at festive get-togethers.
Other segments of the business also experienced difficulty. Despite rosy predictions at the start of the first quarter, made while out to a nice dinner with her husband’s friends, BT did not: read one novel or nonfiction book per month; try even a single yoga class; expand her repertoire of main dinner entrees; or buy winter gloves for her sons before the weather turned cold.
While company officers tried to restate resolutions to include eating candy and staying in an exercise and menu rut, investors are being warned to disregard company-issued statements promising that 2006 results will be stronger.
At a tense shareholder meeting, an embattled Beth Teitell explained, ”This has been a year of challenges for us. A ’free’ haircut by celebrity stylist Frederic Fekkai led to an uptick in designer shampoo and hair product purchases.”
Productivity was also down compared with fiscal 2004, but by the end of 2006, 2005’s output may actually look impressive.
Takeover bids welcome.
