’Sexiest Man’ voting? This year I’m gonna abs-tain
By Beth Teitell
Tuesday, November 15, 2005

Is it right to vote if you’re not educated about the issues?

Or, to put it another way: Should I cast a ballot in People.com’s ”Sexiest Man Alive” poll if I haven’t kept up with the butts, lips, abs and smiles of the candidates?

Maybe it’s best to sit this one out and promise myself that next year I’ll really pay attention.

Ah, such is the luxury of freedom, that we can take voting for granted, right?

Wrong!

I called People magazine and guess what? We’re living under a dictator (or a few of them, well-dressed no doubt, with names like Courtney and Heather). Yes, that’s right: People’s editors and reporters don’t even take readers’ votes into account when anointing the Sexiest Man Alive.

The People.com election is a sham. Which means that all the time I spent yesterday at work doing my civic duty studying George Clooney, Matthew McConaughey and Patrick Dempsey was a total waste of time.

Total.

What, precisely, are the Sexiest Man Alive’s duties and responsibilities? Are there daily bicep flexing requirements? Does he have to visit beaches in swing(ing) states? Kiss voters?

Alas, the People spokeswoman was not forthcoming. ”I’m not going to go there,” she said. ”This is off the record. You have to ask whoever wins.”

Is the suspense killing you? Don’t worry. The so-called ”reveal” is scheduled for tomorrow’s ”Today” show, probably in the 8 o’clock hour. Well, assuming there’s no tie that throws the country into a constitutional crisis.

What would happen then? Would Dick Cheney serve? Or would the reigning SMA extend his term?

I went to People’s Web site seeking answers, and while there was no information about a ”what if” situation, I did learn some history. Brad Pitt is the only SMA to have served his country twice (in 1995 and 2000). JFK Jr. was the youngest man elected (in 1988, at the age of 27).

I also discovered that what’s true in politics is true in sexiness. Power corrupts and absolute power corrupts absolutely. As half of the detested Bennifer, Ben Affleck used his SMA crown (2002) to control the world’s media. And we sure don’t need a grand jury to tell us how the incumbent, Jude Law, has abused his power.

With all due respect to the great minds at People magazine, when I think about how we, the People-reading people have suffered at the hands of unworthy SMAs, I’m not sure such an important decision should be left up to a few people. I’m taking this voting scandal all the way to the Supreme Court.