What really haunts me? All this Halloween candy at the office
By Beth Teitell
Wednesday, November 2, 2005

Let others sue McDonald’s for making them fat, I’m going after the woman at the desk next to me, the one with the post-Halloween candy bowl that mocks me daily.

By noon yesterday, when the siren song of the Almond Joys drowned out my thoughts, I marched into my editor’s office. ”How am I supposed to get any work done?” I demanded, unwrapping a Butterfinger.

”Have some jelly beans,” she responded, gesturing toward her own brimming dish.

As I fled the caloric mine field, I wondered where our litigation system had gone wrong. At a time when every aspect of office life is regulated - no smoking, no offensive jokes, no flirting - how come palm kernel oil and trans fats get a free pass?

Are you listening, OSHA?

And where’s President Bush? He wants to spend more than 7 billion dollars to fight avian flu, and that’s not even here yet. Mr. President, I have news for you: We know for sure that candy has infiltrated our food supply - and that it’s passed from person to person. I say it’s time to raise the alert level to Reese’s Pieces Orange and authorize the military to go seize any and all fun-sized bars.

Back at my desk, I decided to confront my tormentor directly.

”Why did you bring this in?” I asked.

Empowered by my bold initiative, and hopped up on sugar, the rest of my little office pod grew testy. ”Because she’s mean,” one colleague said. I noticed some Baby Ruth caught between her teeth.

”You think I’m a mean mom because I brought my daughter’s candy in?” the candy dumper asked.

”No, you’re not a mean mom - you’re a mean co-worker.”

”Yeah,” I chimed in, helping myself to a white-chocolate bar (which I hate), ”your daughter’s loss is our gain.”

Everyone was attacking our Willy Wonka, I noticed, except one guy. ”I’m sure her intentions are good,” he said. And with that, he rose and walked toward the bowl of contention. ”Like a World War I soldier jumping on a grenade to save his comrades, I’m going to jump on that bowl to save all of you,” he said.

Well, if you put it that way, it’s altruistic, nay, it’s patriotic.

Land of the free, home of the binge.