Forget burning calories - let's burn the McWrappers
By Beth Teitell
Thursday, October 27, 2005

McDonald's just doesn't get it. We cannot be stopped. Sure, let them print their scary nutritional stats on their Mcpackaging. It will have as much effect as trying to restrain a pit bull with a leash made from dental floss. We, the people, want saturated fats, darn it, and the sooner McDonald's stops its pathetic efforts to get us to eat responsibly, the happier we'll all be.

You know where this is leading, don't you? First Ronald printed the nasty fat facts on the Internet and in pamphlets that you had to ask for, which was kind of embarrassing. But of course none of that worked. In fact, the more nutritional information available - it's printed on the side of bottled water now - the fatter we Americans seem to get. If you didn't know better, you'd think the information glut was causing the gluttony.

New plans call for branding the burgers' and fries' packaging beginning in 2006 in 20,000 of the company's 30,000 restaurants. (Imagine how crowded those blissfully ignorant 10,000 are going to be.) But when that doesn't stop some litigious chubby from filing a lawsuit claiming that the Hamburglar made him down three Big Macs a day, my guess is that McDonald's will ramp up its efforts.

I can see a day when McDonald's employees are put on the anti-fat front lines. Instead of asking ``Do you want fries with that?'' the girl taking your order will inquire, ``Would you like fries, that you'd have to walk three miles to burn off, with that?''

Or they'll hire professional mean girls to take your order. Snotella will look you up and down and then snort derisively, ``OK, if you absolutely need the double cheeseburger.'' Then she and the PMG at the next register will roll their eyes.

Other staffers, meanwhile, will hover around the ketchup pump station and ambush those with heavy trays. ``Do you know you've got 200 percent of your daily caloric intake there?''

In the wake of the latest McDonald's move, some people have wondered why the company doesn't print the nutritional info on the menu, giving you a heads up before you buy your calorie orgy, but I have a different question. If they're really so interested in helping us eat better, why don't they sell - I know this sounds crazy - only healthy food?