`Dolphin therapy' for unborn sounds bit off deep end
By Beth Teitell
Wednesday, October 19, 2005

Scientists in Peru say the squeals and squeaks of dolphins may stimulate the brain of an unborn child.

- ABC News, Oct. 18



Maybe I'm just bitter because I had my children before the dolphin track to Harvard was discovered, but if dolphins are so smart, how come they're not co-hosting with Regis?

But let's assume that the vibrations produced by dolphin calls do indeed stimulate a fetus' brain and senses, as the dean of the Obstetrician College of Peru says. There are so many questions I hardly know where to begin: Will insurance pay for sessions? Can we train the dolphins to play Mozart to the fetuses? Does this in any way violate the rights of the dolphins? Are there T-shirts or a perfume available yet?

Not to sound anti-intellectual or anti-fetus, but I'm not sure this latest ``dolphin therapy'' revelation is good news. Well, at least not for expectant moms. Used to be that pregnancy was a time to put your feet up, eat all you want, dress in muumuus. Now, between the belly-revealing fashions and the pressure to sign your unborn bundle o' joy up for in-womb classes, it's nine months of pressure.

You can almost hear the therapy sessions 20 years hence. ``If my mother really loved me, I could have been cramming for my SATs in utero.''

``We have to swim with dolphins now?'' one young mother yelped. ``I'm telling you, there's no way I'm putting on a wetsuit the next time I get pregnant. This is totally corrupting pregnancy.''

You tell 'em, sister!

Strangely, none of the articles I read mentioned why the researchers even looked into this in the first place, or whether other womb broadcasts were tried and found to be without effect, or, more dangerously, harmful. Have there been studies on the effect of hearing Donald Trump's voice on a fetus?

And how do we know what the dolphins are saying to the kids? We assume because they're dolphins that it's something ennobling, but what if they're telling dirty jokes? Or passing on gossip? Are these dolphins screened for sexual orientation or political leanings? What's their position on Roe v. Wade?

Actually, forget all that. Let's be practical. If the dolphins really want to help, fine, but let's put them to work doing something really useful. Babysitting perhaps, or stimulating the brains of teenagers.