Gwyneth is `Proof' positive of our imperfect existence
By Beth Teitell
Thursday, October 13, 2005

Ladies, run for your lives - or at least cancel all your celebrity magazine subscriptions. Gwyneth Paltrow is active again. Like a volcano.

Pity the poor villagers living in her shadow, who, after a few years of dormancy on the star's part, forgot how dangerous - and annoying - a publicity eruption can be.

Wherever you look, there she is. On the ``Today'' show chatting about ``Proof.'' Looking serene as the face of Estee Lauder. Staring from the cover of Vogue, in some kind of cockamamie raffia headdress.

``I guess that's supposed to look bohemian,'' a self-described Gwyneth victim said, waving the magazine. ``Her whole expression says `I am better than you.' ''

But lest you think my friend is a horrible person, worse even than Gwyneth, hear her out: ``I was so sympathetic after her father died. I felt sorry for her. I really did. I left her alone during that period.''

I nodded, along with every other member of a group, which by that time had formed to participate in the Gwyneth-bashing frenzy.

But now? It's safe to say the mourning grace period is over, along with Gywneth's maternity leave.

``I didn't realize how happy I was that she was gone until she came back,'' the woman continued. ``Now she's less attractive but surlier than ever. She's the worst combination. She acts like she's appalled by the whole celebrity thing and is so above it, but she's everywhere.''

At this point in the monologue another woman tried to chime in - she wanted to rag on Gwyneth's teary 1998 Oscar acceptance - but the first woman wouldn't cede the floor. ``She's the perfect mother with a perfect child who's the ideal combination of content and spirited,'' she snarled, ``and beautiful - of course.''

Not that this fire needed any fuel, but just for fun, I read aloud a quote from a story reporting speculation that Gwyneth is pregnant with her second child.

``(Having a baby) changed the way I see the world,'' she told a reporter for British Mirror magazine. ``I feel like it's even changed my DNA. She's such a good girl and so reasonable. I've never ever raised my voice or lost my patience with her once.''

With that, the group of young moms went wild. ``I despise her instantly,'' one shouted. ``Like her life isn't perfect enough. She's got the rock star husband, the beautiful baby, a loving family. She should have 12 more kids because she's obviously a perfect mother.''

With that, everyone started running Gywneth down even more, criticizing her for not doing more for charity, like Ashley Judd and Angelina do. Then the subject of her next movie arose. ``I hope she does something good,'' one woman said, ``I see everything she's in.''

In other words: We have only ourselves to blame.