Bush creates storm with energy policy
By Beth Teitell
Thursday, September 28, 2005

No sooner had President Bush appeared at the Department of Energy on Monday and urged his fellow Americans to conserve energy - "People just need to recognize that these storms have caused disruption and that if they're able to maybe not drive on a trip that's not essential, that would be helpful," he said - then my phone rang.

I assumed the caller wanted to discuss W's choice of press conference togs (why a jacket and tie and not a cardigan?). Or, I thought, perhaps she wanted to riff on cardigans themselves (can a man ever pull one off?), and then segue into a discussion of what kind of garment Bush could wear to telegraph a conservation message while still appearing macho. A Polartec Thermal Pro from Patagonia? The North Face Men's Denali Jacket?

But her question was more existential.

"What counts as essential?" she demanded. "And who gets to decide?"

I figured reasonable people could pretty much agree on what's necessary. Trips to the doctor, school, work, that kind of thing.

"I'm not sure I agree with your priorities," she said, revealing, in order of importance, her notion of essential:

1) Botox sessions

2) Bloomingdale's sales

3) Ditto Saks

4) Facials

5) Manicure/pedicure

6) Ran out of vodka

7) Going into labor.

She was kidding, but only just. It turns out she doubted that Americans even drive too much. "All these experts have been telling us that we're couch potatoes, sitting at home, watching TV, slaves to our DVR and GameBoys, so lazy that we are a nation of Oompa Loompas, and now they say `Drive less.' Like we got up off the couch in the first place."

At that point I had to go (on an essential trip), but there was no peelingher off the phone. She started in on Bush's suggestion that federal employees carpool to work. "That would be very difficult for me," she allowed. "I'm not sociable until I've had a cup of coffee, but since I don't make coffee at home, I'd have to insist on some rules: no speaking, no singing along to the radio, everyone brings candy to share."

I was starting to pity her carpool mates, until I remembered that she takes the bus to work. I made the mistake of mentioning that the president, delugedby Floodgate, is also encouraging workers to take public transportation, hitting her if not where she lives, at least where she sits.

"Ewewew!!!!" she noted. "More people on public transportation? And disgruntled people, to boot? People who will take their SUV-ego into the train with them? The I'll-sit-with-legs-apart-so-no-one-is- comfy-and-I'll-keep-this-backpack-on-so-I-take-up-even-more-room?"

I tuned her out, blinded by a flash of prescience, and hung up to call my broker. "Hello," I said, "buy Segway."