These glasses won't get much face time
By Beth Teitell
Wednesday, July 27, 2005

This isn't cool to admit, but then again, if I were cool I wouldn't be having this problem: I'm intimidated by my sunglasses.

I really shouldn't own them at all, except I got a gift certificate to Marc Jacobs, and an aggressive fashionista friend gave me strict instructions not to ``do your usual thing and buy something and return it.''

So I marched into the designer's Newbury Street boutique (yes, in Tevas with a skirt) and under the store manager's guidance chose the glasses.

The shades kept silent as we left the store together, but I knew what they were thinking: ``We're leaving with her? A woman who's worn tourist shorts (you know what they are) to the Armani Cafe? Who uses an REI backpack as an evening bag?''

The glasses are Jackie-O without trying too hard. They say, ``Just got back from lunch with my friend Donatella,'' or ``No autographs, please.'' Sleek and black, with a practicality that's completely incidental, they've never been to Vegas, or flown coach.

As for me? Well, you got the picture.

But now that I've got the glasses I'm on my way up the je ne sais quoi ladder. Or would be, if I could bring myself to wear them.

Who has the guts? For starters, I fear their chicness will throw my sartorial shortcomings into high relief. In fact, just owning them has already triggered a minor buying spree (albeit at sale prices), thereby confirming the first truth of the gift certificate: This free money is going to cost you.

On Sunday, as we headed to the beach, my husband noticed that I'd grabbed my old glasses, despite the fact that I'd been talking about my new ones nonstop.

``I can't wear them to the beach, they might get sand on them,'' I said.

These are nighttime sunglasses, indoor sunglasses, sedentary sunglasses.

``I can't believe I'm saying this,'' the fashionista said when she learned what was going on, ``but maybe you should return them.''

Return them? No way. My plan is to store them in their nice white Marc Jacobs case until they're safely out of fashion. Then we'll see who's happy to be seen with who.