Star wars are better than their movies
By Beth Teitell
Wednesday, June 8, 2005 - Updated: 10:23 AM EST

Why isn't Sean Penn calling for peace or, at the very least, arranging a fact-finding mission to the homes of Tom Cruise and Brooke Shields?

That's what I'm wondering as Operation Publicity Storm enters the shock-and-Oprah phase.

And why are the pollsters also sitting this one out? Who's right, Brooke or Tom?

We need to know whose side Americans are on. Why, I'm not sure, but we do. (My guess is that the formerly depressed Brooke's got the blue voters all locked up.)

In case you've been too busy focusing on the real war to follow Hollywood's hissy fit, here's a briefing:

In an interview with ``Access Hollywood'' last week, Cruise, a Scientologist, criticized Shields' use of antidepressants after her daughter was born as ``irresponsible.''

Bam! Kapow!

And as if that weren't bad enough, he added this: ``I care about Brooke Shields because I think she is an incredibly talented woman, but look where her career has gone.''

Kersplat!

America waited with bated breath to see how Brooke would counter, and then the attack came: ``Tom should stick to saving the world from aliens and let women who are experiencing postpartum depression decide what treatment options are best for them.''

Kerrrrang! Kaboom!

I don't know about you, but when I heard how low these two extremely privileged people had stooped I had one thought: Please let them continue.

And let's hope other celebrities get sucked into the conflagration, too, as they choose sides, Cold War-style. Can you imagine the seating hell as a divided Hollywood attends the Oscars? Pleasepleaseplease let L'il Kim make a statement, if only for the outfit.

Who knows, maybe Operation Publicity Storm will spark other inexplicable celebrity bloodfests, all played out in the public eye.

Now that would be a true Hollywood ending.