Well-publicized escape artists get new trend up and running
By Beth Teitell
Tuesday, May 17, 2005

I was reading about comedian Dave Chappelle over the weekend. How he bolted to South Africa for some space/to make a statement to Comedy Central/ whatever. Then I recall the loony-eyed runaway bride.

Which gets me wondering: Is skedaddling the new coping?

And if so, how can you make it work for you?

I ran the challenge by a woman I know who doesn't get in her car without wondering, ``How far can I get before they start looking for me?''

Needless to say, she'd already been inspired by the high-profile desertions and had already started her own escape plan.

``The key to success in the running away strategy is that no dramatic announcements of unhappiness are made beforehand,'' she began.

``The bug-eyed crazy bride just slipped away. Ditto pretty much for Chappelle.''

In other words, right before you go on the lam things should appear to be business as usual. Then you quietly slip away.

``It's optional to start making up a kidnapping story as you eat Fritos in the bus station,'' my friend added.

``This way, the media will ask the important questions: `Was she unhappy?' `Was something wrong?' `Wasn't she treated well?'

``When it comes from you,'' she explained, ``it's whining. When it's on Drudge, it's insight.''

OK, so that's the exit strategy, but as the bride and Chappelle have learned, you need to work out your re-entry as well.

You can always claim that you decamped while the plastic surgery scars healed. That's acceptable these days. Or you could claim to have been making an anti-war statement.

But here's another suggestion: Let's use this budding flight trend as an opportunity to bring back the nervous breakdown.

Remember the good old days when people took to their beds when life became too much? Or they'd go away for a ``rest''? Sanitarium: The name alone promises the endless chance to nap.

Well, thanks to Prozac and Zoloft, the once-respected breakdown lost its allure. But maybe this is a chance to bring it back, especially if we can tie in corporate sponsorship.

How about a new Nike shoe, Air Abscond? Or a Starbucks Gatte Getoutta Here Latte? To go, of course.

Join Beth Teitell and co-host Jill Radsken tonight at a fund-raiser for Horizons for Homeless Children. Enjoy a discounted shopping spree and then party at the Ritz-Carlton. For more information, go to www.horizonsforhomelesschildren.org or call 617-287-1900, Ext 129. Tickets are $49.99.