Geese haters secretly wish for quack down
By Beth Teitell
Wednesday, May 11, 2005

Is he a goose killer or a hero? Or both?

It's hard to believe anyone's asking that question about the Rhode Island man charged with killing a goose and five goslings. But yesterday, even as Bostonians were expressing sorrow over the birds' violent deaths, they were whispering about how the geese ``had it coming.''

``There are certain members of the animal kingdom who don't just `want to get along,' '' one woman too afraid to give her name told me, sotto voce.

``Have you ever tried to have a picnic when a flock of geese decide that they're the Jets from `West Side Story'? The feathered thugs are ready to rumble all the time, if you ask me.

``While my initial reaction is `Bad, bad man,' '' she added, ``there is a part of me that says `Yes!' with full fist-pumping glee. Because it's still Geese: 512, Man: 1.''

``I can already see what's going to happen,'' another woman added. ``There will be an annual speaking series to honor the murdered geese - they'll bring in guest lecturers, and there will be a capital campaign to raise money for a memorial spot where other geese can go and reflect.''

The swans in the Public Garden will hold a fund-raiser for the cause. Maybe celebrities will get involved. Paris Hilton. Ben Affleck.''

The crowd laughed spitefully. These are living things, even if people do consider them pests - and even if the goose started it. By hissing, that is.

``Paul Celluci will have to apologize to the Canadian government for the death of their citizens,'' one self-professed ``animal lover'' told me. ``Hopefully this won't spark an international incident.

``It's OK to step on cockroaches, but not these?'' she asked. ``Why? Because they're fluffier?''

As someone whose life has been blessedly free of goose-related incidents, I'm strictly on the side of the geese, and I was beginning to fear I was alone, until one woman piped up:

``We took their land and now they're pissed at us,'' she said.

``It's our fault they're around. We fed them because they're cute and now we blame them.''