Whole latte luck: How about some actual caffeine with that shake?
By Beth Teitell
Wednesday, May 4, 2005

I know this isn't CC (Calorically Correct) to admit - but my beef with the Starbucks and Dunkin' Donuts milkshakes that masquerade as ``coffee'' isn't that they contribute to the obesification of America, but rather its wussification.

What kind of country is this when a down-on-his-luck panhandler has to say, ``Pardon me brother, can you spare $3.82 for a Chocolate Dipped Banana Iced Latte?''?

Could a director even make a film noir in 2005? Remember the old days, when Bogie or Cagney or someone equally hard-bitten would wander into a diner and ask for a cup o' joe, sweetheart, black? Fast forward to now: Ben Affleck stumbles into a coffee boutique, waits in line, scans the bean menu, barks an order at the barrista for a raspberry latte, extra cream, double shot of espresso, with sprinkles, and a reduced-fat scone. ``The Big (Sugar-Crash) Sleep,'' anyone?

Coffee, once the fuel of cops and Type A multitaskers, is now the beverage of fifth-graders. A friend who lives in Belmont reports that her local Starbucks is packed with junior high kids. Her daughter's decaf Caramel Frappuccinos are sweeter than an actual milkshake, she says: ``It's like frozen sugar with a little essence of coffee.''

So whose fault is this? Not ours, the people who buy and guzzle these beverages, no. It's the fault of the coffee peddlers - although of course they don't see it that way. A spokesman for Dunkin Donuts wouldn't even address the ``wussification'' issue when I ran it by him yesterday. ``I specifically can't answer that,'' said a somewhat surprised Glen Schwartz. ``But I can see if we can get a response.''

In the meantime, while the world awaits the rebuttal, Schwartz added that all of the sweet drinks ``are based on very high-quality coffee and espresso beans. That's not compromising that.''

Phew!

Yesterday, pretty worked up about New Coffee's role in the weakening of our nation, I ran into a friend with issues of her own. ``Are you familiar with the `Eggstracter?' '' she asked. That's a product that peels a hardboiled egg for you. ``Or the `Ultimate scrubber?' '' That's a stick with an automatic scrubbing brush on the end. You just turn it on and it does your scrubbing for you.

``There's going to come a day where we won't need hands or arms anymore,'' she shouted.

Well, except to hold our coffee-flavored milkshakes, that is.