Feds say fat's not so deadly, so pass the nachos, please

By Beth Teitell
Thursday, April 21, 2005

``CDC overstated risks of being overweight: Study finds statistics exaggerate dangers of extra pounds'' - Associated Press, April 19.

I guess I should have been happy when the news broke - you know, cracked open a jar of Skippy Super Chunk and really whooped it up - but I wasn't up to celebrating. I felt too betrayed.

``It's like that scene at the end of `Whatever Happened to Baby Jane' where Jane realizes that she didn't run over Blanche after all,'' a friend noted. ``And Jane says, `You mean all this time, we coulda been friends?' ''

My friend sighed and shook her head. ``You mean all this time, I coulda had full-fat salad dressing?''

As for me, I'm mourning the brownie fudge sundaes that might have been. When I think of all the years of bingeing I've missed out on - time I'll never get back, by the way - I feel like drowning my sorrows in a tub of trans fat.

How bad was the CDC's mistake? It turns out that instead of ranking No. 2 among the nation's leading preventable causes of death, obesity is a mere 7.

Yeah, seven.

Using the new estimate, the AP reported, ``excess weight would drop behind alcohol, germs, toxins and pollutants, car crashes and guns.''

(In other words, better you should stuff your face than eat a piece of broccoli off a dirty plate.)

But here's the really surprising news: The CDC is ``unwilling'' to make the No. 7 ranking official, according to the AP, ``underscoring the controversy inside the agency over how to calculate the health effects of obesity.''

Well, I, for one, am not going to wait around for any more CDC ``revelations.'' Who knows what they'll refigure next?

Open tomorrow's paper and maybe you'll read that sunblock doesn't prevent skin cancer, or whiskey is the strongest antioxidant.

In fact, they're now saying that people who are modestly overweight actually have a lower risk of death than those of normal weight.

Which tells me one thing: From now on, I'm going to take my health in my own hands. Pass the Marlboros.