Yesterday, as millions gathered in the streets to await the news, the second-hand smoke went up from the U.S. Department of Agriculture, announcing to the world that a new food pyramid has been chosen.

Actually, it's 12 pyramids, allegedly personalized to meet Americans' differing lifestyles and nutritional needs.

I know the USDA is really psyched about its individualized plans, but my thought was 12 - that's it? Has the agency never catered a bat mitzvah? Do they have no idea how many food allergies and special diets and preferences there are out there?

Obviously not. So, in case anyone in Washington cares, here are some suggestions for pyramids to unveil the next time Bush's poll numbers slip.

The Tex-Mex pyramid: Recommends 4-8 servings of super nachos daily.

The take-out pyramid: Basic food groups include Chinese and pizza.

The vending machine pyramid: Why not? The food's already presented in levels.

The Mobil Mini Mart pyramid: Pushes a diet based completely on individually packaged items and food that can be squirted out of a can.

Or maybe we should give up on the pyramid scheme entirely.

I say this because if you ask around, as I did, you will not find one person who consults that little triangular illustration when deciding whether or not to have that second - or fifth - slice of pizza.

``The pyramid has no credibility for me at all,'' one nonfollower told me. ``It's like Madonna; it's constantly changing to appeal to people. I hate the food pyramid and I hate Madonna.''

Another woman sneered when I mentioned that the new guidelines had finally arrived. ``Pyramids are so out,'' she said. ``Ask any Egyptian.'

``I can't be bothered to look at a pyramid,'' a third person said. ``I already have too much to read.''

I was starting to feel kind of depressed. The government - and the lobbyists - go to all this trouble and no one even cares?

And then, just as I was about to put away my notebook, I met a woman who does adhere to pyramid guidelines.

``I reverse it,'' she said. ``Whatever's on the top, that I'm supposed to have one of, I gorge on.''

Well, it's something.