HD-TV brings celebrities' acne, rosacea into living color
By Beth Teitell
Thursday, March 24, 2005

You know how a drug that's developed to fight one disease sometimes treats another ailment, too?

Well, such is the happy news with high-definition TV. It was created to give boob-tube connoisseurs an even crisper view of sports and films, but it turns out that the casual, shall we say petty, viewer also has reason to celebrate.

With its hyper-sharp picture, HD-TV essentially puts celebrity faces under the glare of one of those horrible magnifying mirrors.

Sure, you may be lined and age-splotched, but Cameron Diaz? It turns out she's hideous.

Well, at least as seen on HD-TV, where the acne-prone beauty ``almost looks like a burn patient,'' according to Phillip Swann, the president of OnHD.TV, which has released a Top 10 list of celebrities whose agents should make sure their films are never shown on the new technology.

Other HD-TV losers, for your gloating pleasure, include: Britney Spears (``wrinkle marks around lips''); Brad Pitt (``terrible skin problem''); Renee Zellweger (``Rosacea problem is very visible'').

Other celebs who didn't make the Top 10 but do look bad are: Jennifer Aniston, Julia Roberts, Demi Moore and John Kerry [related, bio] (what a surprise!).

I'm no marketing genius, but the HD-TV makers should stop pitching sales to sports fans and gamers (who crave quality graphics) and go after the celeb-envious instead.

I tell you, once this Top 10 list starts to circulate, sales of HD-TV will really take off. It will be like Christmas in March.

Or, as one of my best friends put it: ``I am freaking thrilled!

``Between soft lighting and special camera lenses, actresses who long ago could get the senior breakfast discount are still looking poreless and wrinkle-free. Now, HDTV turns the bright, fluorescent lights way, way up, so to speak.

``I, for one, am giddy with the thought of doing crow's-feet patrol during prime time. I have a new battle cry, and it's `wattle!' ''

I understand where she's coming from - boy, do I - but I'm not sure why.

``If Cameron looks worse,'' I asked her, ``does that mean we look better?''

Who knew that beauty is a zero-sum game?