Where will Congress poke its nose next?
By Beth Teitell
Tuesday, March 22, 2005

The fashion world was rocked yesterday when Congress, fresh off the baseball and Terry Schiavo hearings, announced it would weigh in on the caftan - which designers had been planning to push as the ``must have'' item for spring.

As Christian Dior teared up in support of the loose-fitting garment, legislators said it was their duty to protect Americans from looking unnecessarily dumpy.

Congress' latest move comes on the heels of ongoing investigations into the truth behind Mario Vazquez's sudden decision to drop out of ``American Idol,'' and the Brad and Jennifer split.

``We need to find out if Jenn is pro- or anti-family,'' a Republican senator said. ``And we'll haul in whoever we need to.''

The hearings on various entertainment issues have replaced all talk of Social Security reform and other boring subjects, and have thus been welcomed around the country.

``Finally, something we can relate to, something important,'' said Tom Smith, president of Americans for a Better Government.

The group is pushing Congress to involve itself in issues that matter most to Americans. ``Like who's going to host the next Oscars,'' Smith said.

Actually Congress already has hearings scheduled on the topic, with a group of A-list actors, Jude Law among them, planning to testify against a repeat performance by this year's emcee, Chris Rock.

``If what (Chris Rock) said about me isn't the business of the House Committee on Celebrity Reform, I don't know what is,'' Law said, beginning his statement in an American accent, but reverting to his native British halfway through.

As legislators met, President Bush flew from his ranch - changing in Atlanta - to sign legislation requiring Michael Jackson to start showing up at court on time. ``Although I did like those pajamas,'' he said.

Meanwhile, with Congress set to go home for Easter break, legislators are bracing for an onslaught of requests from constituents.

``My neighbor's wind chimes are really loud and they keep me up nights when it's at all windy,'' Sally Jones of Ohio said. ``I want Congress to hold hearings forcing her to take them down.''

Congress? That sounds more like an issue for the Supreme Court if you ask me. And while they're at it, the robed ones might want to weigh in on the caftans, too.