Road worriers: Big Dig woes offer unique business opportunities
By Beth Teitell
Wednesday, March 16, 2005

Well, it looks like the Bambino is still pissed after all. Only now he's targeting the Big Dig.
     This time, the Bambino is finessing his curse, and doing a darn good job. Just ask the tunnel consultant hired to investigate leaks.
     ``I am now unable to express an opinion as to the safety of the I-93 portion of the Central Artery,'' Jack Lemley wrote in a March 9 letter to the Massachusetts Turnpike Authority.
     So here we've been all this time, compiling watch lists of people who aren't allowed to board airplanes, and all along we've had an act of do-it-yourself-terrorism bubbling up right beneath our feet - literally.
     But as they say, it's an ill wind that blows no one good, so let's try to see the positive side. The revelations about construction defects and damaged fireproofing material are not only a boon for ferry operators, but for the downtrodden who sell flowers car to car, as well. What an opportunity to expand their product base! Retool their operations a bit, and they could offer last-chance life insurance at the tunnel entrances.
     And let's use this opportunity to enrich city coffers. Gov. Romney, get Universal Studios on the phone, quick, and let's see if we can sell licensing rights for a Tunnel of Terror ride.
     I see a day, not too far off, when buff Bostonians could lead spelunking expeditions through the tunnel. And some quick-thinking entrepeneur is going to make a mint off Mt. Washington-style bumper stickers: ``This car crossed the Central Artery.''
     As one old-timer told me yesterday, ``When God closes a tunnel, He opens a window.''
     Or, in this case a class action lawsuit made up of commuters seeking damages for emotional distress.
     Some Bostonians, of course, never trusted the tunnels to begin with. ``I liked the fact that everything in Boston was above ground,'' one woman told me.

     ``Tunnels are bad news. Look who's in them: Coal miners, moles - they're lucky they can't see. They'd flip out if they knew were they were.'' She drew a breath as she built up to her finale: ``You see a tunnel when you die.''

And yet, there is something perfectly Bostonian about the fiasco, which is breaking just in time for the start of our first post-World Series season. Just when we were wondering what we were going to do with all of our pessimism, here come the leaks.

     My prediction: The Sox will win again, and the celebratory Duck Boats parade will have a whole new route.