Let stars be your guide: Dem candidates could learn a thing from J.Lo and company
By Beth Teitell
Tuesday, December 23, 2003
Here's the thing about running for president: Though it's important to put forth various economic and domestic and foreign-policy plans, the most important thing - as any Hollywood agent could tell you - is to generate buzz.
And yet here we are, mere weeks away from the first primary, and the only Democratic candidate anyone's talking about is Howard Dean.
As Jan Brady would whine if she were running, "Howard, Howard, Howard."
Or as one political observer/"The Simple Life" junkie observed, since Al Gore gave Dean the big thumbs-up, "the other Democratic candidates are essentially all Nicole to Dean's Paris."
I'm no political consultant, but as a student of US Weekly, I do know a thing or two about face time. With all due respect to the candidates' efforts so far - the cross-country shlepping, etc. - what they really need is a "Celeb Eye for the Dem Guy (and one Gal)" to boost visibility:
Should I be hired by John Kerry (or any other contender) to play a Naomi Wolf (or Carson Kressley) role, here's what I'd suggest to my client to get Americans - or at least New Hampshirites and Iowans - talking:
1. A Madonna-Britney-type smooch (with the same-sex, same-party partner of your choice).
2. Dye your hair a la Christina Aguilera (which will force photographers to take fresh pictures of you, because the file photos will be out of date).
3. Next time you're leaving an event, cover your face with your coat, a la Gwyneth, to give the impression that you do not court publicity.
4. Announce you're going to announce your VP co-runner (or whatever the heck the position is called). Be seen in public with that one person. Maybe buy him or her an expensive pair of cuff links. Then announce WHERE you will announce, and then fool the press by calling it off at the last minute.
Now, most of these face-time tactics are the signature moves of female celebrities, perhaps because they understand best the need to jockey for red-carpet position lest some younger, blonder starlet elbow them out of the way. But should one of the male candidates want to strike an Alpha-Dem pose, he could take his cue from Colin Farrell, and start discussing the &%#* economy.
But here's what I don't understand about the Democratic primary race so far: All the candidates need not only the Nascar-dad and youth votes but also the lifestyle-savvy vote, yet we've seen no Glamour magazine stories in which John Kerry or Al Sharpton spills his hair-care secrets, no sit-downs with In Touch weekly in which private scandals or struggles are revealed.
Guys, as real professionals like Madonna and J.Lo know, there are ways to get people talking. And I'll let you in on a little secret: It's not by droning on about Medicare.
How come none of the candidates has written a children's book? Why are there no sex tapes circulating on the Internet, or at least rumors of a sex tape circulating on the Internet? And where are the skimpy outfits?
You know, now that I think about it, I'm not sure any of the Democratic candidates are truly fit for office - and not because they lack foreign-policy experience or a leadership plan. No, it's because they don't know how to capture the public's attention.
What America needs is someone who really knows what he or she is doing. I'm voting for Paris.
