Scotch tape team tackles the sticky questions
By Beth Teitell
Wednesday, December 17, 2003
``If you're among the one-third of Americans who wait until the last minute to wrap your holiday gifts, then you might consider taking advantage of the first-ever toll-free Scotch Brand Gift Wrapping Tips Hotline'' - press release announcing the long-awaited creation of such a hotline.
I don't know about you, but when I read that one-third of American wrappers cut things so close, I was shocked - that two-thirds don't, that is. Who are all these goody-two-shoes?
A call to the Scotch tape publicists was in order, but before I could get to the hard questions - ``How do you wrap a Mr. Potato Head?'' - I realized we needed to define our terms.
``What constitutes `last minute?' '' I wanted to know. For me, last minute is when I'm at the home of the gift recipient, huddled in her guest room, asking through a closed door if I can borrow tape and scissors. ``And any paper if you have it.''
When I heard that Scotch considers ``last minute'' to be two days or fewer, I knew we weren't speaking the same language, but I pressed on. ``Will the calls be anonymous?''
Amy Coles, the publicist, assured me that Scotch wasn't going to sell my name to marketers, which was nice, but not what I'd been worried about. ``You won't rat me out to my family?'' I asked.
Coles told me that hotline staffers - contestants in previous wrapping contests - would keep my identity secret and answer ``just about any question within reason.''
Whooah. ``What's not within reason?'' Is it too simple a question, such as how to wrap a box?
``No, I meant something obscene,'' she said.
I thought about the Mr. Potato Head I'd wrapped recently, and how it looked like a bomb. With its red-and-black tissue paper carapace, it was truly obscene. In fact, it was so hideous that when I handed it over to the mother of the birthday boy, I told a cute little story - and by ``cute'' I mean ``completely fabricated'' - about how my children had helped me wrap.
I think Coles took pity on me, so even though the hotline doesn't open until Dec. 23, she passed on some tips. If you don't have wrapping paper, use the paper from a brown bag and a festive bow. If you don't have a brown bag or a festive bow? Hide the present and send the recipient on a scavenger hunt (to divert attention from the shameful lack of wrapping).
``How about if you don't have a present?'' I asked.
Coles first suggested grabbing anything decent you can find - wine, a present from someone else. But then, perhaps aware of her responsibility as a publicist, she thought better of publicly advocating regifting. ``Giving isn't our expertise,'' she said. ``If you don't have the gift, you're really in trouble.''
( The toll-free Scotch Brand Gift Wrapping Tips Hotline is open Dec. 23 from 10 a.m. to 10 p.m. and Dec. 24 from 9 a.m.-3 p.m. Call 1-866-HOW-2-WRAP. )
