Hollywood should leave waging war to experts

by Beth Teitell
Thursday, December 12, 2002

 

When I heard 100 Hollywood stars had signed a letter asking President Bush to stop his war rhetoric, saying military action against Iraq would ``increase the likelihood of terrorist attacks, damage the economy and undermine our moral standing in the world,'' my first thought was, ``Who do these people think they are, anyway?''

(Besides people who earn $20 million for six weeks of work, I mean, and who get to canoodle with George Clooney, and who were injecting Botox into their armpits before the rest of us e ven knew to worry about that area.)

With all due respect to the Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences and to the Academy of Television Arts and Sciences, most of the signers are not individuals who should be setting national policy.

I say most, because, to be fair, any actor who has starred in a war movie (or played a supporting role) is qualified. Ben Affleck, as it happens, didn't sign the letter, but the experience he got preparing for ``Pearl Harbor'' certainly gives him the right to advise the president on matters of security.

But, alas, many of the anti-war entertainers, while possessing knock-out bods, killer hair and enviable real estate holdings, have not - let's be frank - proven themselves to be stable enough to make decisions about launching missiles, or even implementing regime change, for that matter.

Let's look at a few of the protesters:

  • Helen Hunt: OK, she finally marries Hank Azaria after living with him for years, and then three months later divorces him. I won't even mention her work in ``Mad About You.''

  • Kim Basinger: Am I correct in recalling that she couldn't leave her house for six months at a time because of agoraphobia? As one of my friends said, ``No offense, but she's a wuss.''

  • Olympia Dukakis: Hello. Has she done anything good since ``Moonstruck''? And does anyone need to be reminded how bad Cousin Mike looked in that helmet?

    Then there's the ``CSI: Crime Scene Investigation'' actors, Marg Helgenberger and Robert David Hall. These are people who are used to solving crimes in an hour. I know the last Gulf War was fast, but that's pushing it.

    Imagine the horrifying specter if Bush listens to the Hollywood cabinet. Soon, political agendas would be written into contracts.

    Mr. Martin Sheen requires: Evian water, white flowers in his dressing room, The New York Times daily, the on-call use of a masseuse and policy briefings from the U.N.

    Miss Jennifer Lopez requests: Cristal Champagne, a private yoga instructor, a cook, a psychic and the withdrawal of Israeli troops from the West Bank.

    I'm no hawk, but if we do go to war, the first people we should send are actors. Bruce Willis, Arnold Schwarzenegger, Chuck Norris - those men can fight! They'll make snatching up an Arab dictator look like child's play. It'll be done in one weekend, with the box office figures to prove it.

    Meanwhile, the actors weren't the only ones protesting war Tuesday. Jimmy Carter, in accepting the Nobel Peace Prize, said: ``War may sometimes be a necessary evil. But no matter how necessary, it is always an evil, never a good. We will not learn to live together in peace by killing each other's children.''

    With all due respect to the former president, what does he know? He's never starred in a war movie. Probably doesn't even have a SAG card.

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