Excuse me, but food's already full of terror
By Beth Teitell
Wednesday, December 8, 2004

``For the life of me, I cannot understand why the terrorists have not attacked our food supply because it's so easy to do.''
     - Secretary of Health and Human Services Tommy Thompson, announcing his resignation from the Bush administration last week
     Sir, have you never tried tofu baloney?
     I have, and I have news for you - the terrorists have already hit us in the stomach. Hard.
     On Monday, in the wake of the outgoing secretary's bizarre challenge to the forces of evil, the Food and Drug Administration announced regulations that will make it easier to investigate a bioterror attack on the nation's food supply.
     The rules will allow the FDA to trace the source of the contamination.
     Excuse me, but I can point out at least one anti-food cell: It's Ronkonkoma, N.Y., the headquarters of Atkins Nutritionals (unfortunately not a shadowy group).
     Who needs to activate sleepers with poorly lighted Arabic-language video releases when you can convince millions of Americans to do themselves in by gorging on cheeseburgers and scrambled eggs?
     Let's surround the place and check the security-camera footage. I bet the films will show Osama bin Laden skulking around the test kitchens, directing agents to send thousands of pounds of low-carb, soy-based pasta into the nation's supermarkets.
     I suspect Krispy Kreme doughnuts are also part of a terrorist plot. Think about it: These little mounds of fried fat and white flour, glazed to blinding radiance, saturating the nation and our arteries. It's a long-term plot, a tasty plot, but ultimately . . . deadly.
     And Olestra, with its promise of delicious fat-free chips and baked goods? Talk about insidious. With the entire country focused on the horror of anal leakage, no one had time to translate the chatter.
     In his resignation speech, Thompson revealed he worries ``every single night'' about a possible attack on the food supply.
     Did he not live through the low-fat craze? Try to stay in The Zone? Give up coffee and alcohol on South Beach? Where's he been? In some cave?
     As the secretary heads into private life, I have some parting words for him: Look at the nation's consumption of Pop Tarts: The terrorists have already won.